Cleaning Out My Closet!

Hi guys, how's your weekend going. I'm having a mental and emotional clear out. Like Eminem I am cleaning out my closets.

It's a really empowering thing to do. Making decisions about what I want and don't want and then making that push to throw out what's no longer needed or wanted.

I'm aiming  to get things done and to make my life clutter-free. Once I've cleared all the clutter, life becomes easier to control.

The more control I have, the more motivated I feel.

It's surprising how many people carry around with them a lot of excess luggage or clutter.  The emotional tensions and regrets make up a big part of this clutter. The  ‘if only' and ‘why did this happen',  and the ‘coulda shoulda' are plenty. 

Well all mine are going in the bin.  Today. Making space for 2016. Which is going to be super fabulous by the way :)

While Ive been clearing out, a couple of old friends come to mind. I'll call them Adrian and Darlene, great couple.  One day, they had an argument over something and they stopped speaking to each other. Within a month, both missed the companionship of the other, and regretted the break up. However, they waited for the other person  to make the first move to start over again. It never happened. They drifted apart, but the feeling of regret stayed with them. Both of them have  confessed to mutual friends that it has affected their lives. What a waste!

I hate hearing things like that. It's so unnecessary and speaks of an unwillingness to admit you may have been wrong.  Even if you are, it's not the end of the world. And isn't a loving happy relationship worth overcoming your pride for?

I see people old and lonely because they always have to be right.  No one is right all the time. What's the harm in a simple apology? Or giving a peace offering? Or just making the first move? Someone has to step up!

A good relationship is worth it. I don't know where that thought came from but perhaps I needed to share it for someone today.

Well back to clearing out my emotional and mental closet -  I've asked myself these questions. The answers are helping me gain clarity. It means I have to be really honest and face up to things. But I'm doing it anyway. I already feel lighter. Motivated. In control. On track.  Maybe you can use them too.  Here you go!

1. Putting up with….

• List 10 things that I am putting up with at home
• List 10 things that I am putting up with in my business
• List 10 things that I am putting up with in my love life
• List 10 things that I am putting up with in my  friendships

Time to weed out or communicate these things that I've  been putting up with

2. Unfinished matters…

• List out all the things in my life that I  feel are unresolved/unfinished

• Create a plan to reduce this number. Write it down.

• Do I need to clear the air with anyone? If so, just do it! Life is too short!

• Is there someone I'm supposed to call or keep in touch with but failed to find time for? If yes, call them or send an email right away!

3. My standards…..

• Write down the standards that I have told myself I have to match. OK, so now  let go of them and create a new list. These should be the standards that I am going to have in my  life from this day onwards.

I hope you like these and find them useful.

Enjoy your weekend :)

Patricia Benjamin
Life and Relationship Coach
www.ruachradio.com

The Truth Behind Ruth and Boaz

Sisters I have to write this post today as it won't leave me and I know someone somewhere needs to read it.  Let's talk about Ruth and her beautiful love story.

Well, you know how we are always hearing how Ruth waited for Boaz, her kinsman redeemer.  So, she is the one our single sisters are meant to emulate while they wait on God for their husband. Such scriptures are quoted as 'He that finds a wife finds a good thing and has obtained favour of the Lord.' The Proverbs and 'Wait on The Lord and He will strengthen your heart' or 'Delight yourself in The Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.' Both from the Psalms of David.

All quoted to encourage women to wait for The Lord to provide them with, or bring, Mr Right to them. When time begins to pass the women are told that they are not ready. That they must get ready. Work on themselves and deal with their stuff. If not this, then they are told God knows best and will bring the right man at the right time. And in the meantime don't go off with any of Boaz' cousins; Broke-Az, Drunk-Az, Cheating-Az, Goodfornothing-Az etc

Fine, we get it!

Okay. I've been in church all my life and have heard this narrative many many times.  But I am someone who likes to question.

I understand that God is a God who hears and answers prayer. I was taught that He will not give us a stone if we ask for bread nor a scorpion if we ask for egg.

I understand that Jesus taught us to pray invoking his name so that our joy would be full.

Now I fully believe God knows how the human body works and that he himself invented it. He understands the female anatomy and knows that a woman is most fertile in her late teens, twenties and into her early thirties.

Now, does God not realise this when He has all these women in the church waiting for 'the right time'?

What is a young woman in church who has been told The Lord will bring her husband at the right time supposed to think when she has been waiting and praying and Boaz hasn't shown his face and even if he has he has made no moves towards her.

Far be it from her to pursue him as that wouldn't be right. The man is the head. He is supposed to pursue her. So she keeps waiting, praying and hoping for Boaz.

Meanwhile experiencing loneliness,  sexual frustration, loss of motherhood opportunity, pity from others, feeling she has failed, feeling disappointed with life and even anger at God himself. All understandable.

Well, let's have a look at what Ruth did . Let's find out what her gameplay was.  The sisters are always being told to look at and follow her example. Let's see......

I have to say on closer examination Ruth isn't quite the passive sister we have been told.

In fact, Ruth (and Naomi) are very deliberate, focused, intentional and purposeful. Some may even say scheming.

It is noted that Ruth goes specifically to Boaz' field to glean. So she set her sights on the wealthy Boaz. Remember she was a widow with no children. Ruth knew she needed security and Boaz fitted the bill. We see no mention that Boaz approached her before that time. She went to his field. She comes home and tells Naomi about it. What do they do next? 

They come up with a plan. Notice, no waiting here. None at all.

And brazen woman that she is, she waits until Boaz has finished eating and drinking and actually lies down at his feet and goes to sleep.  In the morning when he awakes he is concerned for her reputation! What does that tell you about Ruth's actions?

Really! Seriously, I see no waiting here. In fact the more I examine the story I fail to see why Ruth has been used as the example of waiting for your perfect man to turn up. Or if you prefer, waiting for God to send your Boaz.

It seems to me it was a clever plan to capture Boaz and it worked.

Perhaps we should stop telling sisters to simply pray and wait. Sisters should be praying in any case. When it comes to marriage women should recognise they have a part to play.  Please don't think I'm telling you to sleep at the feet of your intended but you can be intentional. You can set out to make him notice you. You can make it plain that you are open to an approach.

I sincerely do not believe that God hasn't heard the countless thousands of prayers of women calling for him to send Boaz. God expects you to seek and find, to understand you must do something too. With prayer of course. But actions must go with the faith otherwise it's dead.

If you want a new job you pray about it but you also take full responsibility in doing your part to seek and obtain that new role. Relationships are the same.

Just ask Ruth. She'll tell you how it's done.


Patricia Benjamin
Life & Relationship Coach
Radio Talk Show Host | The Real Love Show
www.highlyfabulousconsulting.com

Rip Your Runway!

Paying attention to our health is central to our enjoying a happy and successful life.

Our inner and outer health work together and are entirely co-dependent.  You cannot have one without the other.  The universal Law of Cause and Effect dictates if we have a health mindset it is impossible for this not to be reflected outwardly.

 What we must first do then is to Take Responsibility for our physical health, how we feel about ourselves and the way we look.  This is our choice...  The way we look, apart from our genetics, is largely down to us and no one else.

If we petite and slender we can love every inch, if we are large and curvy we can embrace them.  If we want to lose or gain weight we can make the decision to do so.  We do not need to look in the mirror and hate what we see.

Help is available if we need help to make the adjustments.  If we need help with our nutrition, help is at hand; if we need to add a customized exercise plan to our daily routine and generally be more active; help is there.

Beyond pure aesthetics, our physical health plays a key role in how we live and run our lives.  It affects whether we have the energy to invest in our families, our relationships, to give to our careers.

Having good health means we will be around to enjoy the fruit of our labour.  It means our family can enjoy having us around for a long time.  Your partner will have your beauty and love in his life for as long as possible and you will enjoy having a body that gives you what you demand of it.  Clearly, neglecting ourselves is not an option!

Our emotional health is part of our profile and is very often affected by high levels of stress.

Stress can show in our bodies in a myriad of ways: headaches, feelings of sluggishness, poor sleep patterns, weight gain, constant anxiety, high blood pressure and the like.   We are all stressed from time to time, and in fact some stress can be good if channelled currently.

How we handle stress affects our emotional well being.  The most important thing to do is to identify the source or reason for the anxiety and face it.  Once we have faced up to it we can take steps to deal with it.  Do not allow it to fester and build, get outside help if necessary.

Forget about being super mom or superwoman.  The truth is she never really existed, everyone needs help and no woman is an island.

In today’s highly pressured, fast paced and instant society, taking time for self is not a luxury but an absolute must.  Time spent on you, and for you, is never time wasted, or time that could have been better spent.

We are all, on some level, whether consciously or subconsciously, seeking peace.  This time will help you achieve it.  Schedule ‘me-time’ as part of your daily and monthly routine.

Choose activities that relax you, inspire you, nurture you, affirm you and which blow away the cobwebs.

Here are some favourites, add your own:-

•Enjoy laughter (a cheerful heart is like good medicine)
•Have a Girls Night In/Out
•Book a massage
•Run a perfumed bubble bath, use your best body oils and pamper your skin

•Play music that makes you feel good
•Dance like no-one watching
•Run or walk daily
•Enjoy good sex with the one you love
•Admire the beauty of a magnificent sunset
•Keep a journal
•Celebrate your achievements, don’t wait for someone else to validate you
•Get a makeover
•Smile deeply
•Pray and give thanks
•Have some Belgian chocolate (sometimes it’s nice to be naughty!)

Well, it goes without saying that with our physical and emotional health being on the up and up, it is a no-brainer to recognize that you are going to be feeling pretty good about your fine self!  So your personal and body image will, as a matter of course, be positive!

You will appreciate your body and what it can do and how good it can look.  Your beauty will start from within, from your core and your state of mind. 

Forget what the media says about the way you should look and ignore the unrealistic and impossible to achieve images it presents.  Many of these models are not healthy and have eating disorders in order to stay in these industries. 

Your positive body image comes from knowing how fantastic you really are and knowing you are doing all in your power to look and stay healthy.

So walk with your shoulders back, your head up and sport a beautiful smile, which is the prettiest thing you can wear!

Have a strong, purposeful and confident stride as you step out onto the catwalk of your life, and Rip your Runway.

Forgiveness - Easier Said Than Done

On waking this morning I had this thought:

Forgiveness comes up so many times when it comes to achieving personal freedom and inner healing.

Sometimes that forgiveness seems the hardest thing to do. How do you forgive someone who has hurt you time and time again. How do you forgive an abuser? How do you forgive the one who broke your heart

Yet we find its the precursor to begin living again and indeed loving again.

I thought I would share some points to bear in mind once we realise that the next step in our journey to wholeness and inner joy is the forgiveness process. I did say process because that's exactly what it is.

First remember by forgiving we are not saying their behaviour was ok; neither does it mean they get away scott-free or that you've given up your rights.  Not at all.

What it does mean is that you are going to step out of the way and leave them to God who knows the heart of all men. It also means you no longer bear that weight you were carrying around. It gets you out of the prison of torment that you've been in, especially as you recall and revisit in your mind the way they hurt you. It also removes you from being their judge.

When someone decides to stay in unforgiveness they need to understand that this merely damages themselves. It hurts only them. They are the ones living with bitterness, anger, even hatred.  

This actually poisons you emotionally and then physically.  Your body will store that emotion in your organs and can lead to dis-ease.  Doctors tell us that these types of emotions stored in the body are many times what is  behind such sicknesses as growths, tumours, cancers, arthritis.  So forgiveness is powerful.  We see why it leads to inner healing and personal freedom.

Take a quiet moment and bring to mind that person who hurt you. As you picture them in your mind actually say clearly that you forgive them and say what you forgive them for.

Next tell them you release them and you cut and sever the emotional and soul ties that bound you to them.

Ask God to give you his peace.

Don't doubt the effect of what you've just done.  Just speaking these words with feeling is enough. Remember words are real. They carry the spirit in which they were uttered. Scriptures tell us that life and death is in the power of the tongue. Your words will work.

Important.  It doesn't now mean you carry on with a toxic or otherwise unhealthy relationship.  It's fine to forgive and release and leave it there. Move on with your life.

Remember I said a little earlier that it's a process.  Sometimes we may experience feelings of hurt or we recall something that was said, or something happens that triggers the memory, if you feel sorrow or hurt or anger that doesn't mean you haven't  forgiven. But what you can do is repeat the process but specifically address this issue that has raised it head and include that in your forgiveness declaration/prayer.

On a recent episode of the Real Love Show we speak to a young woman who was physically abused while growing up by her mother and she tells us that forgiveness was integral to her gaining the freedom she now enjoys -  listen in here

If you want more personal help and you would like someone to work with you personally as your coach, please email me at Patricia@highlyfabulousconsulting.com and I will respond.  Do visit me at www.highlyfabulousconsulting.com   and find out more.

Patricia Benjamin
Life and Relationship Coach
BEFFTA Best Radio Personality
Sound Women 200
Christian Women in Media
Highly Fabulous Consulting

20 Declarations for a Powerful Purpose Driven Life

Abuse isn't only physical because immense damage can be done to your inner man, your emotional well being,  through vicious, cruel and hateful words.  Its called emotional and mental abuse. And no, its not ok.

If you've endured that and are now in the process of healing these words will help. 

Words may have torn you down but recognise words are a two edged sword, able to cut and yet able to heal.

Life is in the power of the tongue. Change your words to change the way you feel. If someone else's negative words have pained you here is what you do.

Say these declarations every morning and evening for 30 days. Say them with feeling and emotion and with intention. Speak clearly. Let your voice be strong.  Your voice is your instrument.


1. I cancel every negative word spoken over me. I cancel it's effects and I cancel it's consequences.  I rule over my own life and I rule those words obsolete.

2. I am a worthwhile person full of purpose and destiny.

3. Everything I put my mind to I accomplish with excellence. 

4. I am a unique person created in the image of God. 

5. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

6. God had me in mind from the foundation of the world and his plans for me are good. 

7. I deserve love that is kind. I deserve love that is patient. I deserve love that is not envious of me or full of its own importance. I deserve a love that believes in me, that hopes in me and that endures with me.

8. Today I feel beautiful.  Inside and out. 

9. In this entire world filled with billions of men and women there is not one that comes close to me. God broke the mould when he made me.

10. There are no limitations on me and I am free to use all my gifts and talents to create the life I was made for.

11. All things are possible for me because I believe. 

12. The past has no power to hold me.  I rise up now to live an amazing life.

13. My past is history.  My future is bright.  I have all I need to succeed in this life. 

14. Every day I am learning more and more. I am growing and getting more confident daily. 

15. I decide to show up in the world the way God made me and no one can stop me.

16. I choose peace over worry.  I choose serenity over stress. I choose joy over sorrow.

17. My heart is healing and my spirit restored. 

18. As an act of my free will I forgive those who hurt me. I forgive them freely by God's grace enabling me. I release them.

19. I release myself from those who hurt me. I set myself free and cut the emotional ties that held us. This sets me free. I am free.

20. Peace is my portion. Today and every day. I choose peace. 


Listen to a recent show on leaving abusive relationships here click here

Patricia Benjamin
Life and Relationship Coach
www.highlyfabulousconsulting.com
www.ruachradio.com

It's All About The Money

'Money' Love

The latest Real Love Show was all about the Money.  I have to say it got me inspired,  excited and fired up.

That's not the way I've always felt about money but throughout the show it was so significant that our thoughts and emotions surrounding money are key.

Money expert and financialistar Lavinia D Osborne gave such great insight into money and emotions.  That's right, emotions. Apparently the way we feel about money directly contributes to how we treat it and how we behave around it.

So if we have a positive and empowered attitude towards money then we are more likely to take financial control in our lives. We are more likely to lead when it comes to how our money is invested and the way it's invested.  We are more likely to trust our own instincts and judgment. However if we feel out of control when it comes to our finances or uneducated in money matters we will simply follow other people's advice, assuming they know best.

Yet many people are suffering financially in today's times and instead of giving in to feelings of oppression or depression, an option is there to use it as an opportunity to change the way we view and approach money.

If you're at the bottom, now, then the only way is up. It's time to challenge the status quo. One doesn't always have to be among the have-nots. If you have an history of poor money management or you've always had low expectations of yourself financially why not challenge yourself to do things differently?

Confining your income to a job where you get just enough til the next payday isn't a great plan. You are not in a place of power. A job stands for Just Over Broke!

During times of economic depressions, over history, many successful businesses have launched and become established. But a new mindset is required for this.  Not just about money but about yourself.

Do you see yourself as someone who can be successful money wise?

If you don't see it then you can't have it.

But if you see it, you can have it. (I think I read that in the Bible before)

Or, as a man thinks so he is.

Begin developing a new positive powerful way of viewing money.  Begin to challenge your thoughts and feelings around money. Examine some of the messages you grew up with, were they financially enabling or disabling?

You can begin to change them. Get educated around money.  It is not the root of all evil. (It's the inordinate love of money)  It is a tool. It will take on the personality of its owner.  So think of all the good you can do with the money. Think of the powerful changes you can make in the world beyond just your family and friends.

A couple of great books I've enjoyed reading include

The Secrets of the Millionaire Mind by T.Harv Eker
The Richest Man in Babylon by George C Clason
Success Principles by Jack Canfield

Start reading. Start going to seminars on money. Start learning from other successful people and see how they think when it comes to money.  Observe their attitudes etc

Lavinia was so good on the show that I'm booking her for a series of shows on money and wealth creation in the new year. Make sure you listen in.

 Hear the Show  if you missed it.

Also check out her event Financial Extravaganza coming shortly and if you can get there it would be great to see you.


Patricia Benjamin
Life and Relationship Coach
BEFFTA Best Radio Personality
Author of 7 Habits of Highly Fabulous Women
www.highlyfabulousconsulting.com
www.ruachradio.com

Celibacy, Porn, Domestic Violence - The Big Conversation the Church isn't Having!

Well, I sat in the theatre eagerly awaiting the start of the Play, Holy and Horny

I'd already had the pleasure of interviewing the Playwright herself, Tonya Bolton, and I was really looking forward to seeing her work. 

Real Love Show with Tonya Bolton: Holy and Horny

I have to say I was curious to see how Tonya would deal with such issues as celibacy, masturbation, rape, domestic violence, porn etc. These issues are tough enough but when you add the church element it becomes even tougher.  Not least of which because these are all taboo topics in the faith environment.

Well, Tonya plays all 20 characters in her one woman play,  (and she does so amazingly and brilliantly). I won't discuss the plot and ruin it for those who are yet to see this play currently enjoying it's UK farewell tour;  the play is emotional and uncomfortable.

Emotional and uncomfortable because as a woman I have high empathy with its characters. Not because I've been abused or even experienced some of those issues but God has given me a deep desire to reach out to women who have been oppressed. Women who are broken in spirit and/or broken hearted. 

I find it deeply painful to see or hear of such trauma being perpetrated upon my sisters.  It makes me very angry. Every time I hear stories of women being victimised in toxic or otherwise abusive relationships,  something deep inside me responds to try to somehow  ameliorate that pain. To bring healing. 

It pleases me to learn that women, and men, after having seen the play, have found the courage to speak out about the abuse they've endured, about a rape or other sexual assault about which hitherto they had kept quiet.

I've covered these issues on my show (The Real Love Show on Ruach Radio) several times and will continue to do so. 

How can you not feel emotional when you hear a woman being told that she is "ugly, worthless, should be grateful for his attention as he has women lining up to be with him"; all accompanied by ugly gestures and rammed home with physical abuse?

Why should any man feel he has the right to assault a woman with his tongue?  The Bible is truly right when it says "there is that (word) which pierces like a knife" and "death and life is in the power of the tongue".

Who on earth came up with the proverb "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me"?

So wrong. 

As well as domestic violence, child sex abuse and rape, the play also looks at celibacy and womanhood and how society (and the church) views women's bodies. 

How do you deal with your sexuality as a single woman, who the church says must be celibate? Is singleness a curse or a powerful state of being?  The show explores this so well.

I believe the church must begin to embrace these talking topics not from a preaching point of view but with a view to healing, understanding and educating. 

The play certainly gives plenty to think about. 

My colleague and I spoke after the show and we decided that attitudes definitely needed changing within the church. Sexual shame  needs to be addressed as many do not speak about their pain or personal challenges, but wear a mask. The mask is necessary if they wanted to be accepted.

I had a client who had lived a previous lesbian lifestyle and, although receiving counselling, was told to keep it quiet so people wouldn't treat her differently.  Think how powerful a testimony she actually has!  SMH.......

The conversation needs to be had and judging by the amount of people attending this Play, and the fact that Tonya has been asked to take it to the USA, people want to engage.  The silence must be stopped.

If you can see this play do go ahead.  Get tickets for the play here.  Be prepared for a hard hitting, adult conversation, with no holds barred!

Hear our conversation here

Patricia Benjamin 
Relationship and Life Coach
BEFFTA Best Radio Personality 
Christian Women in Media Intl UK
www.ruachradio.com
www.highlyfabulousconsulting.com

No Limit to What I Can Do!

I'm super excited. 

I'm about to do something I've wanted to do for a long time.

Become a published author.

My writings have been published over the years for different publications but a book, well that's a whole new ball game.

Two years ago, I was in the Caribbean, sitting outside on my parents' veranda and talking  with my mother about my plans, and all the things I wanted to write about, and the various book titles I had in my heart.

During which she told me something she had never told me before.

It was about my junior school teacher, Mr Peter Lucas, of Grove Vale School, East Dulwich, London  (I loved that teacher, he taught us like he cared about us) and something  he told her at a Parents Evening.

It was these words

"Patricia has all the signs of a writer".

I was only 9 years old when I was in his class.

Do you know something, hearing mum say that did something for me. It really did. It meant something. It further affirmed me as a bona fide writer. It gave me confidence to step into my dream. To walk deeper in my purpose.

We often display our true selves, our gifts, talents and abilities in a much more natural way when we are young.  Before the critical factor sets in. Before we start listening to other people who tell us "you can't do that". Or "I don't think you could be that".

Why do we invest so much in other people's negativity towards us?

I remember a class mate telling me she didn't think I would be able to complete a piece of English comprehension homework as I wasn't good enough. Well of course you know I not only completed it but got an A. Please.........! I remember it well.

Sometimes my life coaching clients  tell me that they don't know what they want to do with their lives.  Very many of these are in their 40s. I often tell them to cast their minds back to the things they used to enjoy doing when they were young.

We often overlook the things that we do easily and naturally and feel that 'anyone could do it' or 'it's nothing special'. But it is something special. And no, anyone couldn't do it. Especially not like you.

So recognise today there is really no limit to what you can do except the boundaries you allow to be in place.

@Patricia Benjamin • Author • 7 Habits of Highly Fabulous Women • 2015

Life and Relationship Coach
Highly Fabulous Consulting
BEFFTA Best Radio Personality
Sound Women 200 List
Christian Women In Media International
Top 100 Most Influential Black People on Social/Digital Media List
UK C.O.O Making it Happen

Church Flow on the Real Love Show

This week we had a pretty sparkling debate on church flow, for christian women.

Special guest, renowned gospel artist Watchman Williams, stated publicly that "christian women were out of touch when it came to fashion, their conversation and dating".

Listen to the show here Real Love Show with guest Dr Watchman Williams

As you can guess there was plenty of outrage among the sisters and Dr Williams was brought to task.

However I'd like to add a few things.

While there may be some women who are less concerned with fashion and with staying up on the latest trends, there are plenty of sisters who look the part and not just on a Sunday.  They have more than church flow going on Sunday morning, they stay in the flow. With style.

But these ladies, as stylish as they are, do not always get a look in from the brothers and still remain single. I spoke to a DJ the other day who was talking about  a church boat cruise he'd just been on that weekend.  He admitted the ladies had looked very good. No complaints. On asking whether or not he had approached any of these ladies he confessed he hadn't. I would like to know why. I'm pretty sure he was one of many guys who didn't approach.

The ladies did their part so when will the men  do theirs?  I've heard it said that they fear rejection. Isn't rejection part of life?  Do we not all experience rejections on the path to our yes? There are no guarantees.  Things are not handed to you on a plate.

Our guest also made a point that church ladies need to have more to their conversation than Jesus but needed to be able to talk about Adidas too. Point taken.

I was told some years ago by a very wise lady that my husband didn't always want to see me in the Bible at all times. Sometimes he'd like to see me ........in less. Point taken. Whilst the spiritual side of things is imperative the human and physical side must be catered to, equally.  Otherwise things can become very unbalanced.

But how far do we go?  Whilst many of us can take this on board we may want to learn a lesson from Meagan Good who definitely understands this dynamic  but she may wish to exercise due appropriateness next time!

A friend of mine told me the other week that her husband used to be no fun and life with him not at all enjoyable. Yet this man is a well respected minister and deservedly so. But what's lacking is the human component. We have to take care of all our partner's needs. Sometimes girls just wanna have fun. She has told me though in latter months he has begun to change and is much more relaxed.

As christian women we can't be one sided.  We need to look good for our partners and take genuine interest in their lives outside of church matters. Be interested in their careers, in their hobbies and their goals in life.

Listen to the show here Real Love Show with Dr Watchman Williams

All this goes both ways. The brothers need to do the same for their wives too. It's a two way street. 

Patricia Benjamin 

Life and Relationship Coach 

BEFFTA Best Radio Personality 

Sound Women 200 List 

Christian Women in Media International 

Top 100 Most Influential Black People in Digital  /Social Media 

UK Chief Operating Officer Making it Happen

Failed Expectations

It's so easy for me  to feel let down by friends or brethren that I  feel did not meet or measure up to my expectations. They didn't  meet my needs. So here I am left feeling hurt, disappointed or even betrayed.

The real problem though is me.

I can't control other people's behaviour.  But I can control my own.

The truth was I never stated my expectation.  I didn't state what I needed.

Maybe I felt that if they were really my friends they would just know. Whereas truth be told, I've been married over 3 decades and I still need to be told.  I cannot read my husband's mind.  Neither can he read mine.

This is why its always said communication is the key to all successful relationships. Not just when it comes to marriage.

If I don't say clearly what's in my mind, can I really be upset when my friend doesn't "just know" what I really want deep down?

I must admit I used to be very high maintenance when it came to friendships. I would expect understanding. I would expect loyalty.  I would expect support. I would expect acceptance.

These may not seem that unreasonable but I would expect it at all times. I've come to realise that one person cannot meet all my friendship needs.

I recognise that's too heavy a demand. Especially when that person has their own life to live and may be facing their own pressures.

Did it mean they were not a good friend because they could not put in an unfailing stint every time I needed to talk? 

The answer is no.

Now I see so clearly that true friends give you the best that they are able. When I demand still more that is me being a drain on them when they don't have it to give.

So what's the answer here. What do I do? How do my needs and expectations become realised? Easy. I have a myriad of beautiful people in my life. All special.  All blessed. All anointed. All gifted. I have to learn who has the gift for my current situation.

2 years ago I went through a terrible time personally that I would not wish upon anyone. My whole world felt upside down and no ground was sure beneath my feet. But one friend that I opened up to helped me and comforted me spiritually,  practically and materially.  Every morning, early ,  my phone would ring and it would be her. She was an amazing rock.  I had another friend that as soon as she heard she gave practical help within the hour.

Did this mean my other friends were not there for me? Of course not. And they all supported me in their own way which was truly greatly appreciated.

Sometimes it may not be all that deep, I may need someone to spend some recreational time with and talk about my creative ideas for business and ministry. I have friends who lunch and pray with me. It's all good.

When I need my eyebrows threaded I have trendy fashionista friends who can point me in the right direction and meet up with me after for smoothies and cupcakes.  It's all good.

And it's two way. I will be there to encourage and pray for anyone at anytime. I don't mean polite prayers either. I mean prayers that get the job done. We stay there til its done. I'll talk with you for ages on the phone if that's the need.

But if I  don't have it to give you because I'm in recovery myself you may need to seek another person. When you're in recovery you don't have anything left over to pour into someone else. But believe me when I'm fully recovered it's a different story.

If we have expectations of others that are not being met and we feel that they don't really care or that they don't really respect us or we feel we don't matter to them; Let me say, "that's a lie from the pit of hell" designed to fracture and break your friendship.

Friendship is next to fellowship.  Never withdraw from the herd. You may think you don't need the herd but let me tell you that you do. The lone deer that has wandered away is an open target for the hungry (roaring) lion (who is seeking to devour). The isolating of ourselves from everyone else is not empowering.  No one succeeds on their own. That's a simple fact. Even Jesus being who he was had 12 who worked with him.  And then he sent them out 2 by 2.

Don't allow powerful bonds and strong alliances to break due to failed expectations.

Instead pull up the deep roots of unforgiveness that leads to bitterness and anger so that you can be at peace in your own mind and spirit.

Then you can ask what you will and it will be done. Then  your prayer will be answered.  We can't get forgiveness until we give forgiveness. We do not want our prayers to be hindered.

Patricia Benjamin
Life and Relationship Coach
BEFFTA Best Radio Personality
Sound Women 200 List
Christian Women in Media International
Top 100 Most Influential Black People in Digital /Social Media

Celebrating Success! #Woman4Africa

I've been to quite a few award ceremonies this year and have had a great time at them all.

From being six degrees away from Idris Elba, meeting popular soap stars, including Ellen Thomas (EastEnders), Chizzy Akudolu (Holby), Noel Clarke (Kidulthood), football stars Fabrice Muamba, other media personalities, dining alongside award winning film actors, producers and directors, it would still not be hyperbole to say attending Women 4 Africa's 4th Annual Award is a strong contender for my top pick.

It was vibrant with African fashion and colour, afro beats and dance, side splitting comedy, poetry that came from the heart and amazing, highly accomplished women.  I felt honoured to be amongst them.

I can't tell you how alive the room felt, pulsating with compassion, with joy in the achievement of other women and hope and belief in creating a powerful future. There really was a strong sense of sisterhood. Genuine pleasure in celebrating the victories of other women. Saying I was inspired is just not enough.

I feel very proud to have shared the same platform in the past through  radio with the host of the event Tola Onigbanjo alongside her husband Sam. A better partnering you couldn't hope to meet.

Thank you for the kind invitation to attend Tola.

Many many women were recognised and honoured and it must truly have been a tough decision for the judges as the calibre was so high. All those ladies were real winners whether called to the stage or not

A couple to mention are:-

Funke Abimbola who is Managing Counsel for Roche pharmaceutical operations in the UK and a regular lecturer at universities and conference;

Susan Edjang  from Equatorial Guinea,  a global health and policy expert serving in the UN for the Secretary General;

Ifrah Ahmed from Somalia, a committed and highly motivated social and community worker in such organisations as UNICEF, Amnesty International

But the full list will be found at www.women4africa.com - check it out.

Women 4 Africa Official Short Video

In a time when mediocrity is often rewarded and fame is achieved by extremely questionable behaviour, I am so delighted that Women 4 Africa exists. We don't pursue our passions for awards instead its usually to fulfil that inner drive and our raison d'etre, but it is truly right that recognition is given.

These women who shine their lights so brightly and unashamedly give us all permission to shine our own. 

I'm encouraged to do so and I hope you will be.

However, no matter how much we laud these ladies never compare yourself to them or even believe you are in competition with them. You are only competing with yourself. To be better. To do better.  To grow.  To keep evolving.  Don't be tempted to stay where you're comfortable or where others are comfortable with you.

Be inspired and encouraged by these women but know that only you can achieve your mission in life. No one can do what you do in the way you can. You have your tribe to reach. You have your people to influence and you have all you need to make it happen.

Give it your all. Give it your 100%

Big Congratulations Sam and Tola Onigbanjo.  You are a winning team. Go on to dominate in your field. Thank you for showing us how its done as you keep recognising and honouring others who are doing the same.

Patricia Benjamin
Life and Relationship Coach
BEFFTA Best Radio Personality
Sound Women 200 List
Christian Women in Media International
Top 100 Most Influential Black People in Digital /Social Media

Guest Blog post - Marigold's Story - Getting Out of a Violent Marriage.

"I found myself in a situation that I never thought was possible, An abusive relationship. I had not experienced such behavior for over 10 years when I was in my first marriage. I had dated in between this and had not experienced this. What was it about the men I had chosen to marry?

I met my husband at a Christian conference in New York, we were both Christian ministers. He was one of the speakers at the conference and we were introduced to each other by the host. We began a long distance romance after that, him in the USA and me in the UK.

 It was perfect. He visited me in the UK, we went on Christian mission trips together before we decided to get married. On a beautiful autumn morning by Morris lake in Atlanta Georgia USA we got married. 

It was soon after that I would discover to my horror the man I thought I married was someone else.

The verbal and psychological abuse started almost immediately we began living together. The physical abuse started soon after culminating in him lashing out and hiting me in front of a friend. The confusion, emotional, psychological and physical suffering that followed this was hard to describe.

After 6 months of marriage, two and a half month of living together and having left him twice I fled to a domestic violence shelter. I had never been in a shelter before, it was like living in a UK open prison. Completely alone in a strange county and no family or friends for support and no income the reality of what had happened to me struck. I experienced many emotions after this. Extreme fear, terror, regret.

I had the difficult problem to deal with that 'I was still in love with my abuser'. When I left he tried so may ways to harm me and get me back under his 'control'. Had it not been for the police prosecuting him and him having a spell in jail I don't know if he would have stopped.

With lots of counselling, support groups and spiritual help from a multitude of strangers I got myself back on my feet. How did I do this? As I had no friends or family and was in a strange country I quickly got connected to as many support organisation as I could, including churches and various programs. 

I was involved in some form of support and recovery 6 days a week. In order to recover I received emotional and psychological counselling, spiritual prayer and deliverance, attended support groups several times a week, did lots of journaling, crying, personal prayer and reflection. Two and a half years later I can say things are completely different. 

I can truly say that now I am living the life I had imagined. One of the things that assisted with my recovery was volunteering to assist women that were in the same or similar situation to myself.  It was and still is very cathartic.

I say to all women or men who are suffering any kind of abuse or consistent unkindness or controlling behaviour from a romantic partner to get help. If you can't speak to friends and famiy contact support agencies. I have come across too many cases of mostly women being permanently maimed, disabled or murdered because they were unable to get out in time. 

My blessing goes to all women especially those that are currently suffering."

Hear Marigold speak to Patricia Benjamin here on the the Real Love Show

7 Lessons I Learned After 31 Years of Marriage

First of all, as of today at the exact time of writing, 31 years ago I was standing at the altar of my church exchanging vows. They were the old fashioned vows where I  promised to love, honour and obey and my husband promised to have and to hold. ....to love and to cherish me until death parted us.

Solemn words for a solemn act.

And that's what marriage is. It's a solemn undertaking not to be held lightly but guarded closely.

I could easily change the title of this post to 31 Lessons from 31 years of marriage but time does not afford so let me share seven major lessons.

1. Marriage was the best thing I ever did. Surrendering my right to be solo and to join with my husband has been both empowering and liberating. Marriage does not trap you, it releases you. Releases you to express yourself completely as a human being. There are some things that are kept for marriage for a reason. Good reason. Marriage requires vulnerability and nakedness, both emotionally and physically. It requires truth in the inward parts like nothing else. Yet it yields the greatest rewards. 

Despite what society implies, marriage is a good thing. A powerful institution and a sure foundation upon which to build families, the bedrock of society.

2. A good piece of advice is to remove the word divorce from your vocabulary.  With this in mind you will think carefully and thoroughly about whom you marry. You won't rush in. It's for life.  You will look further than his handsome looks and her beauty. You will look for character and integrity.  It doesn't matter how well he wears a suit or how much his touch gives you butterflies, if he cannot be trusted or has shown himself to be unworthy he will not make a good husband. 

It doesn't matter how many admiring glances she gets from other men making you feel proud to be beside her, if she is deceitful or arrogant she will not love you freely and be a good wife.  When you know you're marrying for life, take time to know your intended.  Get to know their family.  Get to see their values played out, see how they treat others.  See if they're good people.  Once you've made the choice you must trust you have made the right one and commit.

3. Commitment. Remember there will always be a man who can give you more.  Maybe give you a bigger house,  buy you  higher  brand  clothes, take you on exotic holidays or who is more educated and commercially successful than your husband. There will always come a man who has a better swag and better looks. That's not the point.  Marriage  is not based any of those things . You have committed to your man. That's it.

There will always be a woman who has a better figure and nicer looks, who is younger and firmer.  A woman who cooks better than your wife and  who seems to understand you better,  who is more articulate than your wife.  Marriage is not based on these. You made a commitment to your wife. You vowed to honour her with your body and all your worldly goods. So rejoice with her and let her breasts satisfy you. 

With your help,  love, admiration and support your partner can get better not just older. A man will walk taller in life if he has the admiration of his life partner,  his wife.  A woman  will have that 'something' and that sparkle  when she knows her husband treats her likes she's number 1. And only.

4. Your partner comes before your children. As a couple your children  are your priority.  Everything you do is for them. But you both must be in sync when raising them. Don't take their side against your wife.  Don't take their side against your husband.

5. Appropriate boundaries at all times. Don't tell out all your business to your friends. Don't tell out all your business to your family.  Everybody doesn't get to have a say about your wife. Everybody doesn't get to have a say about your husband.

In laws, no matter how well meaning, have to respect you as a couple and not feel they can tell you what to do. Husbands, your wife is the number one woman in your life. You respect and honour your mother but you are one flesh with your wife and you are to cleave to her. Wives, your husband is your first refuge and port of call if there's trouble, not your dad.

Ladies, your girlfriends don't need to know what's happening and all your latest arguments or difficulties.  Marriages become very crowded when there's a need to get girlfriends involved. Men are less given to this but the same rule applies.

6. Older and experienced couples who have relationships you admire, keep them as mentors and friends. Go to them if you want help or advice.  Choose people you can trust and who share similar values to you. All marriages go through difficulties at times and their experience will inform the advice and counsel they give to you.

7. Let there be love. Show love to each other in all its richness and forms.  Be each other's best friend. Give support and a listening ear. Give yourself sexually to each other,  it's God's way of reinforcing your union and your bond, that's why it's kept for marriage.  It will tie you together at your souls. It will keep her his soulmate, and it will keep him hers. 

Speak highly of each other. Respect each other and daily ask God for His grace and favour.  Marriage is God's idea and He is the only one that can help us to live it.

Real Love Show - my favourite love songs and lessons.

Patricia Benjamin
Life Coach, Love & Relationship Coach
BEFFTA Best Radio Personality
Sound Women 200 List
Christian Women in Media International
Top 100 Most Influential Black People in Digital / Social Media

I Get By with a little Help from my Friends

I am someone who is totally at ease with my own company.

I'm happy to go lunch alone in a restaurant, catch a movie by myself, visit a museum on my own, and I've done all these and enjoyed the experience.

I've started projects on my own and loved those too.

But I want to speak to the power of support, encouragement, help and assistance.

No matter how gifted or talented you are you can only achieve so much by yourself.

Everyone needs help.  Usually if you want to achieve something significant you will make a better job of it with the help of those who believe in you.

Consider the impact of negative words.  The crushing words of someone who doesn't believe in you or your vision and just doesn't think you can go anywhere or achieve anything.  It takes a long time to bounce back from those projections.  But when people love your ideas, love your vision and actually want to help you build it,  it helps bring about  a natural momentum.

No matter how wonderful your idea is and how promisingly it starts you will have a few roadblocks or uphill struggles . That's where your support team is invaluable.

Please decide to give encouraging words to people you see doing amazing things and stepping outside past confinements.  Be a supporter. Don't just sit on the wall and watch and say nothing.  Say something good. Life is in the power of your tongue.

If you are the one switching things up and going for your goals don't do it in a vacuum. Talk to those that are doing likewise.  You'll get good conversation, advice and help.

Over the last 3 weeks I've spoken to 3 fabulous ladies who offered me sterling advice which I did not even need to ask for. These ladies believe in me.  They believe in my vision and were abundant in their talent and insight which they shared.

One thing I've learned is that truly successful people help others.  They don't try to cut you off. They don't try to rob your idea.  They don't try to discourage you,  they simply walk in their own strength and help others do the same.

If you don't know who your supporters are, look around you. They are the ones who always find the time to appreciate you and they are closer than you think.

We all have our dream team, they are ready when you are ready.

Remember your vision will need more than just you, but without you it won't work.

Go for your dream today.

#feelinggrateful

Patricia Benjamin
Life & Relationship Coach
BEFFTA Best Radio Personality
Sound Women 200 List
Christian Women in Media International Leader
Top 100 Most Influential Black People in Digital / Social Media

Refocusing after setbacks, 2

What is your inner belief system?  What does it stand for?

This is crucial to understand when you've experienced a setback or a disappointment.

The benefits of a strong inner belief system are many;

* Stronger self-confidence
* Healthy self-esteem
* Greater life satisfaction
* Comfort with self and others

But how exactly does one go about developing a strong inner belief system?

Consider the following questions.

Finding answers to these can help you distinguish yourself in the group.

1. ​Explore what you currently believe about work, life, people, and yourself.
You can try a free-writing exercise. Write each word (work, life, etc.) at the top of a page (one for each page) and then a free associate for each word. Write down whatever thoughts might be conjured up by the word at the top of the page.
Write until each page is full.

2. ​How much of what you believe is your own?

Take a look at what you wrote on each page.

Identify messages that may have come from parents, friends, family, peers, teachers, etc. You can see that some thoughts appear under almost every section. Identify the recurring themes.

Now, highlight the things that truly reflect who you are and what you believe.

3. ​How much of it is enabling and how much disabling?

The messages of others can be encouraging or discouraging.
Now, look at the messages and thoughts that reflect your own inner belief system. How do they make you feel, empowering or limited?

4. ​What do you want to believe?

Consider your true beliefs, the thoughts and messages you firmly believe in.

Do they reflect how you want to feel about life, work, people, and yourself?

Take a blank paper and write down each idea or thought that are considered right by others on the left hand. On the right hand side write down your alternative; how you would like to feel/think about each.

Reprogram yourself by identifying these limiting thoughts as they pop into your head, and replacing them with the thoughts and ideas you identified on the right hand side of the paper.

Continue this exercise, and you will find the old limiting thoughts creeping up less and less and the new empowering thoughts substituting them.

5. ​What messages about life, people, work, and yourself did you get from family as you shaped your personality?

Family, your primary social unit, can influence you more than most other institutions.

Family members have the tendency to repeat their messages. If you have chosen to reprogram any of their thoughts, values or beliefs, then be prepared to counter these beliefs whenever a family member articulates them.

6. ​What's your response when you express your belief and someone disagrees?

There can be many who do not agree with your beliefs and ideas. Consider how you might respond, should you share your beliefs with others and find that they disagree.
You don’t have to change your mind.
There is nothing wrong in someone else believing differently from your beliefs. People are different and that's what makes the world go round after all.

Simply convey that you see life/work/people/etc. differently, and then reconfirm your belief by repeating it to yourself.

As you explore your answers to these questions and the exercises associated with each, you'll begin to realize the strength of your inner belief system.

Expression of an idea is a difficult job. You need a great amount of confidence to express your beliefs in an unwavering fashion. People will challenge you and come forward with counterarguments.

Consider it as an opportunity to test your ability to continue with your belief system intact as part of your own personal growth.

See you back here next time.

Patricia Benjamin
Life Coach
Love & Relationship Coach
Facebook: Ask Patricia
Twitter: Ask_Patricia
iTunes: Real Love Show