Wednesday, 29 January 2014

SHOUT OUTS to the readers!

South Korea, Nigeria, Japan, India, France, Germany, Spain, Holland, Canada, USA, UK - shout outs to all of you reading the blogs. I love the world wide web which allows us to connect so easily and effortlessly.

Reading the stats for the blog is always fun and interesting as I can see where in the world you are as you read the posts.

It's great connecting through the live Shows and of course our podcasts via iTunes or Mixcloud/Soundcloud.  Technology has truly made the world a smaller place.

I am writing this London time.  Feeling creative and inspired.  So many ideas to action.

I've a brand new project for February for all my single ladies and I'm hoping you will love it. Check back here at the weekend. 

Have a super day wherever you are in the world!

Happy reading and listening.

Patricia Benjamin

Cosmetic Surgery for Confidence

Hi there guys,

Julie Sibert joined us on this week's Real Love Show looking at the sexual dilemmas our listeners sent  in.  Julie specialises in intimacy in marriage issues and she is with us the last show of each month. Our dilemma concerned a young wife of 29 who had been married at age 21 and now had 3 children.  Things were not going well in the bedroom currently as she had lost all of her body and sexual confidence.  After nursing 3 children things were no longer facing north but very definitely going south. 

Any mother will tell you that breastfeeding can take its toll. She was considering having breast augmentation to look better in her clothes and to feel better about herself.  She wrote that her husband had told her he still loved her and she was still beautiful to him the way she was. Unfortunately, she hates the way she looks and cannot enjoy the sex life she had with him previously as she now hated her body.

I remember discussing something very similar some years ago with a group of around 15 women, all around 25-40 age group. Just one woman said she should go ahead.  The rest all said she was full of pride and vanity etc.  There was very little female or sisterly empathy or even understanding from a woman's point of view. 

Julie gave out great advice on the show.

What do I think?  First of all everybody else's opinion doesn't really count. It is how you feel.  And what do we call vanity? Is it caring about yourself; working out at the gym; eating healthily so we maintain our weight and look attractive; What about  using good skincare products so our complexion is flawless? Is it wearing make-up to enhance our natural beauty or colouring our hair to hide the grey; or spending time and money in the beauty salon so we look our best;  buying the nicest clothes we can afford to present our best image; getting our teeth whitened, or replacing that chipped tooth with an porcelain crown so we still have a great smile? I mean the list goes on.

However, surgery is a little different because of the risks involved. I do not entertain the moral argument of whether she should or should not have surgery as it seems to me we are all as vain as we can afford to be. Maybe I can't afford a weekend away at a health spa in the Mediterranean but I can do an afternoon pamper session at the local salon. 

If this wife feels she has exercised  correctly and done everything she can to get back to her pre-nursing figure, but her breasts have deflated to zero, surgery could be an option.  What she clearly needs to do is research and preferably get recommendation from others who have been through the procedure before. 

Lots of people criticised Joyce Meyer when she had cosmetic surgery so she would look better.  No doubt, it made her feel better too. The fact that she is on TV has some merit but essentially she had the surgery to look better and surgery did what no make up or facial exercises could accomplish. 

Yes, as Julie mentioned, it is a heart issue. Why do you really want to do this? What is your motivation? Are your expectations realistic? Are you expecting surgery to change your life? 

Also, self-esteem, confidence have a large part to play in sexual performance. I would encourage this lady whatever she decides to work on rebuilding her self-esteem and personal confidence.

It's a really good thing her husband is so loving and supportive towards her too. And though this is a big plus we all know love starts with yourself. This lady needs to love herself. Someone else telling you that you are loveable and desirable doesn't replace self-acceptance and self-love. 

I personally don't feel anybody should tell her what she should do on a matter like this. It is a heart matter and she needs to feel free and at ease with her conscience. 

How to Please Your Husband Sexually. 

Julie also spoke on "How Women can Please their Husbands Sexually".  In church circles, and a lot of my listening audience comprises the church, some people feel that sex is not something to talk about. I believe God is not a prude! In fact, he invented sex. And while we take a look at some of the dilemmas and situations that arise in church, it's clear that people have sex/relationship issues that need to be discussed openly. The great thing with the radio is that you can be pretty much anonymous as there are no visuals. You can also listen in private and reflect. 

Do send in your dilemmas and we will do our best to help each month. We have a great team of experts including +Julie Sibert , +Ryeal Simms+Stephan Labossiere, and we love to help.

Love to know what you think. Feel free to comment. Take care until next time. 

Patricia Benjamin

The Real Love Show broadcasts live every Monday 4pmUK /11amEST/8am PST on

Find show podcasts at iTunes or Mixcloud

Thursday, 23 January 2014

I've Just Met My Dad for the First Time, I'm 18 Yrs old!

Wow, what must that feel like! The Real Love Show on discussed the dilemma presented where a young lady had only just met her dad at 18 years of age.

As a Life Coach and having  coached so many people with family or relationship issues, it is very clear that the impact of growing up without a father is far reaching. Many times, girls and boys who grow into young men and young women have a sense of being worth little, they often carry a sense of rejection, of inadequacy,of  not being loved, girls don't realize how precious they really are, boys are not validated in their manhood and these issues are played out as they go through life.

Many times the girls become promiscuous, seeking love in all the wrong places, really wanted to be told they are special or loved, and any touch becomes acceptable. Being sexually desirable is seen as a way of feeling special or loved and opens them up to unhealthy relationships.  Boys often try to prove their manhood, sometimes dating and/or bedding as many women as possible  and are often unable to maintain relationships with any sense of stability or commitment.

In the case of our dilemma, she was the result  of a dalliance outside of his marriage and the father did not attend to his responsibilities to her as his flesh and blood as he did not want to threaten his marital home. 

Now, apart of saying, "Do not commit adultery", "the grass isn't always greener","it isn't going to be worth the pain and nobody wins" - what can be done?

Coaching, counselling or therapy.  These are not bad words, they are empowering words.  Any of these are helpful for all parties concerned as life is going to drastically change as they know it.  The father has to negotiate a relationship with an adult daughter he did not raise, he cannot really atone or make up for the absent years, but he can start to love the woman she is now.  Something else he can do is look at the root cause of his own behaviour. Look deep and see if there are long standing issues he has not dealt with within himself;  he also needs his daughter to forgive him for being absent all these years.  He may find he needs to forgive his own father for not showing him how to be a man or indeed how to be a father.  There is never an excuse for this type of behaviour, but there may be a reason, which can and must be addressed and dealt with. The cycle has to stop.  And stop here and now.

When you listen to the show, you will hear resident coach to the Show, Coach +Ryeal Simms  give comprehensive advice and guidance; showing deep insight and understanding. More of the same will be required and pay dividends for this family.

The daughter must  forgive not because he deserves it, but because she deserves it; so she carries no bitterness, and her heart can begin to heal from that deep emotional "father" wound.

Fathers are so important to their daughters, of the core strengths they give their daughters, value and identity are fundamental and primary. He must let her know she is valued.  He must let her know who she is, where she comes from, and her inheritance. This is what a father does for his daughter.  Now is the time for him to begin this process. For this, it is never too late.

The children of the marital home and the wife have a huge curve to negotiate but it is not impossible.  Family talks, family conferences, family interventions are now called for.

Prayer is also desirable.  The family that prays together, stays together.  Supernatural intervention of the God-kind makes a difference.  Speak to your pastor, or priest or minister and get that spiritual support.

Hear the show here:
Real Love Show is on iTunes

Real Love Show is live every Monday on RuachRadio 7pmUK/1pmCST

Friday, 17 January 2014

Real Love Show: He Cheated, Do I Stay or do I go?

Real Love Show: He Cheated, Do I Stay or do I go?: Well, this week's Real Love Show went in on an  age old problem - Cheating, Adultery, Playing Away from Home, call it what you will...

He Cheated, Do I Stay or do I go?

Well, this week's Real Love Show went in on an age old problem - Cheating, Adultery, Playing Away from Home, call it what you will, it's all the same!

Hear the show here:
Find this show on iTunes

But we had to ask if when this takes place in a marriage do you automatically call it a day?  Do you stay or do you go?

Jesus said, "let him that is without sin cast the first stone". So what happens if you think it all through and decide to forgive and (not necessarily forget)  to stay?  Is it just a question of learning to trust your spouse again?  Do you learn to cope with the pain and hurt of such a deep betrayal? Is it simply going through the forgiveness process and taking it a day at a time?

Maybe! But let's look a little closer at the possible consequences of cheating or adultery.

What happens some 20 years later when the fruit of the affair, comes home to roost.  When your long lost  son or daughter comes knocking at your door. Surely all the pain and hurt the wronged wife has endured and buried over the years is sure to reawaken. And who can blame her if she reacts with anger.  It is a woman of immense moral stature and emotional rectitude that can deal with this with any equanimity, if at all. 

But let us ask the question, does the child not have the right to a relationship with its father, its half-sisters/brothers, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc etc?  Why should he/she be robbed of the love we all expect and deserve when we enter this world? Society is now very aware of the impact of  fatherlessness on our sons and daughters and therefore on our communities. 

Or, what happens if the boot is on the other foot and the husband finds he has been raising someone else's child as his own.  All kinds of turmoil can ensue and a completely new family dynamic begins. Can he ever feel the same towards this child? What if the child now decides he/she has a right to know the biological father? Is this a slap in the face to the man that raised him/her or is it a perfectly natural reaction?

Marcia Dixon, of  The Voice Newspaper, and weekly contributor to the Real Love Show,  tells us of a quote from Dr Myles Munroe, "there are no illegitimate children, just illegitimate or irresponsible parents". We cannot help the circumstances surrounding our birth, over that we have no control, but we all have purpose and destiny and are here for a reason. 

These types of scenarios can be found anywhere in society, even amongst our churches and our leaders.  In fact, in recent months, it transpired that +Iyanla Vanzant  counselled a couple, a pastor and his wife about his serial adultery with 20 women in their church.  The pastor had even managed to sire a child with one of these women.  The pastor's wife decided at the end of their time with Iylanla that she was exhausted and wanted to be released from the marriage.  The pastor had the temerity to cry.  Really!!! 20 affairs!!! with members of your own congregation. I don't think so........

As a life coach with several years experience of pastoral work, I have been presented with these situations on several occasions and I cannot recommend counselling/coaching/ministry/prayer and guidance enough. 

Life is too precious to live it messed up.  Help is available to get our lives in order so we can fulfill our purpose and destiny.  

The Good Book says everything done in the dark will eventually come to the light, and the things we whisper will be shouted from the roof tops. One day, there could be a knock at the door. Perhaps think twice before breaking your marriage vows.  Is it worth bringing destruction to a home, breaking the heart of your partner, hurting and wounding your children?  Were the few minutes of illicit pleasure really worth all of this?  In the cold harsh light of day, is an affair worth wrecking other people's lives, possibly including your own?  In all good conscience, the answer must be no.

None of us are perfect and we cannot afford to cast any stones here but we are looking at consequences. 

If your partner cheats and you decide to stay, its up to you, to err is human and forgiveness is divine, however consequences do not go away.

The show also touched upon cheating in the church, in particular pastors with their congregants, but that's such a deep and far-reaching topic, I'm about to do a separate blog on this. 

The Real Love Show goes out live every Monday on 4pmUK/10amCST - (all matters relationships)
Find Real Love Show on iTunes

Friday, 10 January 2014

January: Life Coaching Blog - What is Your Life Really About?

Real Love Show: Ask Patricia - What is Your Life Really About?: "Do you know where you're going to, do you like the things life is showing you, where are you going to, do you know? Do you k...

Your Life Plan for 2016 Starts Here

"Do you know where you're going to, do you like the things life is showing you, where are you going to, do you know? Do you know what you're hoping for? When you look behind you theres no open door. What are you hoping for? Do you know?
Now looking back.........We've let so many dreams just slip through our hands. Why must we wait so long before we see, how sad the answers to those questions can be!"
I remember sitting in my 11 year old son's school leaving assembly and this was one of the songs the children sang. I could hardly hold back tears. I couldn't believe how much emotion it evoked. When you are that young, life has so much to offer and yet back then you are just not fully aware of who you are, what you want from life, why you are here on the planet, nor have you defined your own core values and beliefs.

Not so unusual at 11 years of age.  However, sometimes even age 30, 40 or even 50 and we still don't know who we are or what our life is about.

As a Life Coach, I find so many people in their mid 40's still trying to find themselves, find some meaning to their life and a passion to pursue. Life is so short that the sooner you find this out the better.  I hope this post help you do just that.

First of all, you need to have a clear picture of where you are at right now. Then realize what it is that you truly want from life. Develop a clear understanding of what you need and what you do not need.

To freely bloom - that is my definition of success.
Gerry Spence, How to Argue and Win Every Time

Everyone wants to be a success in his or her life. People consider material success as the key to more money, happiness, fulfillment and rewards. Regardless of how differently people perceive it, everyone wants it.

People define success differently. And they tend to change their definition with changing times and circumstances as well. For some people, conventional success is more important and it seldom goes beyond money, cars or big homes.

You must have your own definition for success. However, you don’t have to be dogmatic about this. You can change your definition of success and put it closer to reality. Before that you need to comprehend what success actually means to you.

Write your definition of what success is in the space below or on a piece of paper.

Do not carry on reading this until you have done so.

It may take a good amount of time to sort out your priorities when you define what success means. Don’t worry, take your time. If you haven’t filled in the above space yet do it now! Don’t cheat yourself!

A person defines success on the basis of a number of factors. And you are no exception.

Your definition of success is formed by:

  • Your upbringing
Everyone perceives things on the basis of the values he or she has learned in the childhood.

  • Your beliefs
Beliefs, deep-rooted in your mind, affect the way you perceive things.

  • Trait
A particular characteristic that distinguishes you or that is genetically determined may influence the way you perceive things.

  • Your attitude
Everyone has an opinion or general feeling about everything.

  • Your peers
You family, friends, colleagues or whoever you maintain a constant contact with can influence the way you perceive things.

  • Society
It is an important factor that has more influence than many of the rest.

  • Every experience that you have in life
Small or big, each and every experience in your life influences the way you perceive things.

All the factors mentioned above, more or less, contribute to what success means to you.

There is a myth that states that people are born winners or born losers.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Nobody is born just to win or lose. The way you live your life makes you a winner or loser.

As Benjamin Disraeli puts it, “The secret of success is constancy to purpose.” Using some techniques and methods and improving your attitude, behaviour and personality can lead you to destination called success.

More often than not, you are responsible for what you get from life.

Even a single sensible timely step can change the entire scenario. You need to sense what the situation demands and act accordingly.

Nothing is worse than looking back after some years and saying “I wish I had done this.”

Know where you are going in life

Setting goals is something everybody does regularly. However, few find it in them to go through the plans they set. You need to know where you are going and constantly check and make sure that you are moving in the proper direction.

Creating a vision and a mission statement of what you want out of life will provide you with some direction and momentum to move forward. It can act as a catalyst in accomplishing your task.

What is your life all about?

Different people look at life in entirely different ways. While some people let things happen to them, others go out and make things happen. It’s very important to have an understanding of which group you belong to.

If you are driven by a compelling vision, you have a greater chance to feel good about yourself.

If you have a true mission, you have a better chance to know where you are going in your life.

When you feel you are in control of your life and events, you will naturally feel more confident and motivated to achieve more.

Ask yourself the following question:

What do you really want to get out of life?

A clear vision and a well-defined mission will help you realize the real purpose of your life. Both your vision and mission should express your purpose for existence.

Following is a series of questions for you to ask yourself in order to do some soul searching and to give yourself some insights into what you are all about and why you are here:

  • “When I grow up, I want to be a pilot.” As a child, what did you dream of becoming?
  • Which three people do you think have influenced your life the most and why?
  • If you could choose your career and get paid whatever you wanted, what would you opt for?
  • What are your top three achievements in life so far? What was so special about them?
  • Doing what makes you the happiest in life?
  • Who are the three people who you admire the most? What are their characteristics and qualities you admire so much?
  • Have you ever helped someone less fortunate than you? If yes, what did you do? If no, why not?
  • List out your greatest strengths?
  • What steps should you take in life to maximise your strengths?
  • What is that one thing for which you would be willing to put everything on the block for? Why?
  • Imagine that all the time you spent till now comes back to you. How would you utilize it now? What would you do with the time this second time round?
  • There are sure to be results/ events in your life you are happy about? What are these? Which are the results/ events you are unhappy about?
  • Is there a word of advice you have picked up from your life so far that you want to pass on to the world?
  • Name one thing you value the most in life?
  • What would you really like to do with your life?

Answering the questions given above will give you a clear idea about yourself.

The whole point of getting you to think about those questions was to really get you to think about what you want and wanted for your life.

It would be easier for you, after answering the questions, to realize what you want from life and how you are going to get it. If you have answered all the questions given above, write down your own mission statement in the box below:

A mission statement is not a ‘to do list.’ So it is not easy to write one and it should not be something that is rushed.

Take your time, go for a walk, or take a short break. It’s better to get away from the routine environment. Remember, your mission in life is far too important to be skimmed over.

A mission statement needs to be honest. Make sure you actually believe in your mission statement. If you don’t, it’s a lie. Don’t cheat yourself.

People who do not have an authentic mission in life tend to just have materialistic goals. The greatest problem with such people is they don’t know what fulfillment is. After they have achieved, achieved and achieved, they say to themselves “Is that all there is?”

Elvis Presley, also known as "The King of Rock 'n' Roll," was a giant in the modern entertainment industry. Few people influenced American popular culture like Presley. Wealth, fame, women, success…all the pleasures of life were plentiful in his life.

However, when Presley killed himself by overdosing on a stash of drugs he stocked, he was only 42 years old. Despite all his successes, he followed a self-destructive lifestyle.

Presley was a man who owned what others dreamed about. His success was legendary and his achievements were enviable. However, without a sense of fulfillment, there is no joy.

Success without fulfillment is failure!

I hope this post gave you a lot to think about and reconsider.

Delve deep into the spheres of your mind, your heart, and spirit and let the inner secrets reveal something valuable to your life.Your mission statement says only about what you really want to be in life.  

Okay, that's it for now.  I will see you back here next time.  Feel free to ask any questions in the Comments below.

Patricia Benjamin
Life Coach
Relationship Coach
Radio Presenter

Wednesday, 8 January 2014

Is It Love That You're After, or Just a Good Time?

Hey everyone,

After this week's episode of the Real Love Show on, I had to ask the question, Is it love that you're after, or just a good time? (Find the Real Love Show on iTunes)

We were debating the real life scenario of a couple in a relationship of 16 years plus, where the woman says, "we both know this relationship is leading to marriage" and the man says words to the effect, "where did you get that idea"; it raises the question of what the entire relationship is all about.

I cannot imagine for the life of me, staying with a man for 16 months never mind 16 years unless it was clearly understood to both of us where we were going. And that we were both on the same page.  My mother taught me better than that!

I mean, fair enough, if you are happy to spend your life in such fashion. There are some that say there are not enough men and that all women cannot expect to be married.  If that is your truth and that thinking works for you, you can believe it and live it.  But people are getting married all the time.  I have 4 weddings to go to all before May.

If you have never wanted to settle down and raise a family (I did not say, have kids, but raise a family) and are prepared to give yourself to various men and relationships without a commitment to anything further it can work. I stipulate raising a family as opposed to having kids, as some people have the idea that they want kids and that's exactly what they get, but there is no man in the home, just them and their kid(s).  But maybe that is another blog!

However, in this case the woman was expecting marriage to be the outcome.  We can ask why is she still waiting 16 years later (that I don't understand, childbearing years are clearly long gone and you are no longer in your first bloom)  if he doesn't want to marry you after all this time, what now?

I'm not impressed with the man or the woman in this case.  Surely, a gentleman isn't going to lead a woman on for 16 years, giving her enough emotional crumbs she thinks he really cares, and the woman for not knowing her value.

As my favourite coach, +Ryeal Simms  says "Women, you are the Chooser, not the Chosen, you are

the Employer, men are just trying to get the job"!

Real Love Show is on iTunes

RealLoveShow -Long Term Relationship   but No Ring Yet!The Real Love Show - Long Term Love but No Ring Yet!