Friday, 17 January 2014

He Cheated, Do I Stay or do I go?

Well, this week's Real Love Show went in on an age old problem - Cheating, Adultery, Playing Away from Home, call it what you will, it's all the same!

Hear the show here:
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But we had to ask if when this takes place in a marriage do you automatically call it a day?  Do you stay or do you go?

Jesus said, "let him that is without sin cast the first stone". So what happens if you think it all through and decide to forgive and (not necessarily forget)  to stay?  Is it just a question of learning to trust your spouse again?  Do you learn to cope with the pain and hurt of such a deep betrayal? Is it simply going through the forgiveness process and taking it a day at a time?

Maybe! But let's look a little closer at the possible consequences of cheating or adultery.

What happens some 20 years later when the fruit of the affair, comes home to roost.  When your long lost  son or daughter comes knocking at your door. Surely all the pain and hurt the wronged wife has endured and buried over the years is sure to reawaken. And who can blame her if she reacts with anger.  It is a woman of immense moral stature and emotional rectitude that can deal with this with any equanimity, if at all. 

But let us ask the question, does the child not have the right to a relationship with its father, its half-sisters/brothers, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc etc?  Why should he/she be robbed of the love we all expect and deserve when we enter this world? Society is now very aware of the impact of  fatherlessness on our sons and daughters and therefore on our communities. 

Or, what happens if the boot is on the other foot and the husband finds he has been raising someone else's child as his own.  All kinds of turmoil can ensue and a completely new family dynamic begins. Can he ever feel the same towards this child? What if the child now decides he/she has a right to know the biological father? Is this a slap in the face to the man that raised him/her or is it a perfectly natural reaction?

Marcia Dixon, of  The Voice Newspaper, and weekly contributor to the Real Love Show,  tells us of a quote from Dr Myles Munroe, "there are no illegitimate children, just illegitimate or irresponsible parents". We cannot help the circumstances surrounding our birth, over that we have no control, but we all have purpose and destiny and are here for a reason. 

These types of scenarios can be found anywhere in society, even amongst our churches and our leaders.  In fact, in recent months, it transpired that +Iyanla Vanzant  counselled a couple, a pastor and his wife about his serial adultery with 20 women in their church.  The pastor had even managed to sire a child with one of these women.  The pastor's wife decided at the end of their time with Iylanla that she was exhausted and wanted to be released from the marriage.  The pastor had the temerity to cry.  Really!!! 20 affairs!!! with members of your own congregation. I don't think so........

As a life coach with several years experience of pastoral work, I have been presented with these situations on several occasions and I cannot recommend counselling/coaching/ministry/prayer and guidance enough. 

Life is too precious to live it messed up.  Help is available to get our lives in order so we can fulfill our purpose and destiny.  

The Good Book says everything done in the dark will eventually come to the light, and the things we whisper will be shouted from the roof tops. One day, there could be a knock at the door. Perhaps think twice before breaking your marriage vows.  Is it worth bringing destruction to a home, breaking the heart of your partner, hurting and wounding your children?  Were the few minutes of illicit pleasure really worth all of this?  In the cold harsh light of day, is an affair worth wrecking other people's lives, possibly including your own?  In all good conscience, the answer must be no.

None of us are perfect and we cannot afford to cast any stones here but we are looking at consequences. 

If your partner cheats and you decide to stay, its up to you, to err is human and forgiveness is divine, however consequences do not go away.

The show also touched upon cheating in the church, in particular pastors with their congregants, but that's such a deep and far-reaching topic, I'm about to do a separate blog on this. 

The Real Love Show goes out live every Monday on 4pmUK/10amCST - (all matters relationships)
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