Tuesday, 4 March 2014

Where do broken hearts go?

How can you mend a broken heart? Those aching words uttered when it feels like life can never ever be the same again. You ask yourself what now, what's the meaning of life, how can you possibly go on. Everyone around you tells you to get over it. Get over him. Get over her. As if it's that easy!

If only your emotions would listen to your brain. If only your heart would listen to the words of advice and counsel. But your heart seems to have other ideas. 

But get over it you must. You cannot sustain such angst and hurt forever. 

The first thing to accept is know that it's going to hurt. To accept that it's going to be painful. It's going to be hard. If this was the love of your life, so you thought, perhaps you've gone through a broken engagement and you feel like everything is upside down, do not expect to forget all about it overnight. 

This is the time to do a Toni Braxton and let it flow, let it flow and let it go. Don't try to suppress your tears. It's alright to cry. Tears are there for a reason. They carry release. So yes, let it flow and let it go. 

Another thing to bear in mind is that there is a good reason for your breakup. Whenever you are tempted to think its all a big mistake and you need your ex back, take out your journal (don't write one? start now) and write down all the things that went wrong. All the things that made you sad while you were in the relationship. Remind yourself of the straw that broke the camel's back. There is a good reason for this. When we are feeling sad and playing all those sad lonely love songs it's very tempting to remember just the good times, it's called selective memory, and you just remember the good bits. All of a sudden the good bits seem even more rosy. So, remind yourself of the reasons why you broke up. They are still the same. Nothing has changed. And yes, you did make the right decision.  In times like these you need to be selfish. That is, put yourself first. That's right. Your peace of mind. Your peace of heart. Your personal happiness. Tell me, if you don't put yourself first who will. You matter and right now it's your time to heal. 

Your time to forgive. 

Forgive. Yes forgive yourself. If you feel you did anything to contribute to the breakup or that things could have gone better, fair enough, everyone makes mistakes.  It's all part of it, that's how we learn. But please don't beat yourself up. That gets you nowhere.

Know that you have love in your future. And this relationship has taught you some lessons no matter how painful. 
A note here; do not rush into a new relationship. Do not believe the old maxim that the quickest way to get over a man is to get under a new one. That's rebound hell.  Computer says NO.

Do also forgive your ex of anything they did that hurt you. Don't be bitter. Don't be ugly. It will make you old before your time. Forgive your ex and forgive yourself. 

Remember, life goes on. The world is still turning on its axis. Remember your friends, your family, the ones who love you. Well now is the time to soak up that love, your real friends will be there for you. Don't isolate yourself but call them, visit them, go out, do not sit at home and feel sorry for yourself, and most of all make sure you have deleted all texts, messages from your ex. 

Do not ring your ex. Do not receive your ex's calls. Do not text your ex. Do not check them out on Facebook or any other social media.

Allow the wound to heal. Let your broken heart mend and it won't heal or mend if you're forever revisiting the past. 

If it gets difficult, speak to a counsellor, a relationship coach, don't let things build. 

One day the pain will be less. It will go away.  And you will love again. 

If you would like life or relationship coaching do email me for details. 

Patricia Benjamin
Life & Relationship Coach
Radio Talk Show Host
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