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Friday, 7 March 2014

No more sex

Remember the time when you both could scarcely keep your hands off each other? The times when you felt you couldn't live without each other's love? When all you wanted to do was cover her with slow kisses? When all you wanted was to lay your head on his chest?

What happened to all the eroticism?When did all the intensity dissipate? When did the deep longings for each other's touch start fading? 

Surely it was supposed to get even better with time. Like a fine wine. Wasn't the love meant to grow stronger? Weren't her breasts always meant to satisfy him? Wasn't he always supposed to be the object of her desire?

If you're finding yourself no longer dangerously in love with your spouse, the exciting truth is, you can be again. 

Falling in love is something you can do over and over again. With the same man. With the same woman. 

Let's look at a few things that often get in the way. 

1. Disappointment. 

If life has not gone quite the way you expected and your partner hasn't lived up to some of your private expectations it is a passion killer. You may need to ask yourself if your expectations were realistic. Were you expecting your husband to act the way your father did? Or did you think he would always have the answers? Have you found him to have feet of clay? Did you think your wife would do the things your mother did, the way she did? Have you found her unable to be your definition of the perfect wife?

Has life been full of struggles, challenges, with a demanding family life, money worries? 

All these can take the shine off life. And this is not necessarily a problem if you develop coping strategies that you both employ. However if you fall into the trap of blaming each other for things that go wrong, know this, a house divided against itself will not stand. Together you can face life. For better or worse. A love that has been tested, been through the fire, and has endured, becomes very precious. More precious than silver, costlier than gold and more beautiful than diamonds. 

2. Lack of Intention.

Nothing just happens. The most beautiful orchid or rose needs attention. Special attention. Love needs an environment. An environment is created through words, attitude, action, music, atmosphere. 

Do you have an environment that sets a scene? A love scene? Yes, life is tough, it's demanding, but this just means you must be more intentional in setting up an environment where your love can flourish. 

So forgive quickly, forgiveness is a skill all couples must learn to preserve love. Words create an atmosphere and if your words have been thoughtless, unkind, harsh, then these emotions and feelings fill your home. Have the grace to say sorry. Have the grace to forgive.

Music is one of the most powerful ways to change or create an atmosphere. Find beautiful songs that celebrate love. Play them. Listen to the words and hold each other. Be intentional. Shut out the world. Close the door and turn off the light!

3. We Don't Talk Anymore!

Don't be lonely in your marriage. If you're not talking to each other you will be susceptible to an emotional affair.  We all need to talk, that's the way God planned it. Communication is how we literally commune with each other. If we don't  commune there is no union. One reason couples don't talk is a lack of trust. No one wants to open up from a deep and personal place and fear it will be used against them at a later time. Or thrown back at them. Neither will they want it shared with friends. 

Another reason for lack of conversation and therefore intimacy is unresolved conflicts, things that are not being discussed because they're too painful, go deep. Here I would recommend counselling or relationship coaching. When something is left unattended it will eventually contaminate  the relationship and the physical health of the person holding on to the pain. Don't leave it. It won't go away. 

These are just a few reasons why sex can disappear but worth checking to see if they apply. 

If they do apply, begin to address them. Then you will find the sex hasn't gone anywhere, it's still there.