SELMA

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Well, the credits start rolling, John Legend and Common can both be heard singing Glory and nobody in the room is moving. Perhaps they're feeling like me, caught up.

My feelings, well it's  taken a moment to gather them and I'm still processing them.

Let me start at the opening scene where we see Dr King (British actor David Oyelowo) and his wife Coretta (played by British actress Carmen Ejogo) in Oslo, Norway, getting dressed to go and receive the Nobel Peace Prize. This is juxtaposed with a scene where 4 black teenage girls are walking down the stairs into church, chatting about hairstyles when they are suddenly blown up and killed as a bomb explodes. The sound is terrifying and so unexpected that I found myself looking around me.

In the next scene we see a smartly dressed middle-aged black woman, Annie Lee Cooper, (played by Oprah Winfrey) waiting to hand in her application for her right to vote.  While Annie sits there, waiting, she just gives off an air of hopeless despair. As I sat watching I could literally feel her dejection before she even approaches the counter. Yet she still somehow manages to come across as determined, despite it all.

Her application is stamped DENIED.

My absorption into the film is now  complete.

For me, Selma was so much more than a movie. It was an experience.  It was an education. A thought provoking insight into how to persevere and to keep going and keep believing when everything really is against you.  Such was the case for Dr Martin Luther King Jr and such was the case for the people of Selma.

The entire movie is essentially about obtaining the right to vote unencumbered for black people. The bombing of 16th Street Baptist Church was one of the catalysts for the Selma march.

The film shows  the tough unbending negotiations, the political posturings and community uprising throughout the struggle. We see the dangers, the fears and the anger of an entire race oppressed; yet who decide non-violence is the  best way to achieve their rights.

As I watched a night march, a non-violent march, and see the brutality of the police officers who chase them down and beat mercilessly both young and old, men and women, I had to ask why?

All they were doing was marching. The reason? Demanding their constitutional right to vote.

We see a President Lyndon B Johnson (played by  English actor Tom Wilkinson OBE) who seems more concerned with his own legacy than anything else and was often seen trying to get Dr King to place the matter of equal voting rights on the back burner. At the end of the film he finally gives in and eventually signs the Bill into Law.

I especially liked that Dr King is shown  not just as a powerful and influential leader with a clear sense of his own destiny but also a human being. A man conflicted at times.  The film makes references to extra marital relationships but doesn't major on this.  I feel this is a good approach if the story you are seeking to tell is that of Selma.  For his accomplishments were in no way lessened by any personal weaknesses . There were times when he seemed unsure or uncertain of the next step or whether his actions would make a difference as the enormity of the task seemed to overwhelm him.

I liked the fact that the film shows him as human, one of us, and didn't try to make him an action hero with great oratory. He was simply a man on a mission with people who believed in him and who supported the cause; even to the point of giving their lives.

I saw David Oyelowo as a man of equal conviction; he says God told him he would play the role of Dr King. He absolutely embodied the spirit of Dr King throughout the film and never once simply appeared to be impersonating him. In those closing scenes you hear him speak, as though divinely inspired, the words  "Soon; we'll get there soon" you really do believe him, just like they  must have believed Martin Luther King Jr at the time.

When I got the chance to speak with David later , I asked him if 'soon' was here or if it was yet to come.  David told me that we are still in the process of 'soon'. 

'Soon' is already here as we have an African American President. And 'Soon' is still to come as we look at Ferguson.

All the actors in this movie played their parts with depth and passion and I got a real sense that to them this was more than a film and that they felt part of something much greater. Oprah Winfrey really impressed as Annie Lee Cooper - her fame did not impede her portrayal and she brings out the humiliation suffered by so many ordinary black people at that time.

The song especially written for the movie, "Glory" by John Legend and Common  (Common played John Bevel in the movie), captures the entire message of the story, carrying an essence and spirit  full of hope and faith for a triumphant future. It has been nominated for Best Song by the Academy Awards as has the film for Best Picture.

The film director Ava DuVernay has set forth a masterful piece of work here  and although she did not receive an Oscar nod which would have made her the first African American female director to do so; she can be truly proud with what she has accomplished in telling the story of SELMA to a new generation.

Masterful for many reasons but, for me, for no less reason that I did not leave the screening angry and upset at the treatment of black people by white people. Instead, I was empowered. Instead, I was reminded of the price that had been paid for freedom for people, like me, of colour. I saw clearly and understood entirely the power of knowing your own purpose and destiny and being ready to do all required to fulfill it, regardless of danger,  toils or snares. I saw many reasons to take pride. I also saw the power of faith.

All in all I believe Selma is an excellent film, everyone who took part can be proud. It's a film for all the family and does so much more than simply entertain.

Thanks to Kush Films and Marlon Palmer for the invitation to view. Truly appreciate all the fine work your company does in the film industry.

SELMA is on general release in the UK from 6 February.

Patricia Benjamin
Real Love Show
www.ruachradio.com

Toxic Love Affairs

Latest Real Love Show - Toxic Love

It's not unusual for people to be in relationships that are actually toxic.

Toxic meaning that the relationship is breaking them down, soul and spirit.

Sometimes the partner is absolutely no good for them, perhaps they are controlling,  they tell them what's good for them, what they can and can't do and when, they seem to have no power to make their own choices.

Sometimes the relationship is a Co - dependent one and they both enable each other in negative behaviour, for example drug abuse or other destructive behaviour.

Either way toxic relationships need to come to an end or be renegotiated to move forward.

I watched the Whitney Houston Lifetime movie at the weekend and it was clear there was love for each other but this couple were not good for each other.

Finally, after many years the break up comes but if you are in a toxic or even addictive relationship please don't wait that long.

First step is to admit you are in a toxic affair and own your part in it.

Then definitely bring in a third party to help you negotiate your new relationship boundaries.

Then begin to work on those areas in your life that need attention.  If possible a life coach, Relationship Coach or a counsellor will be most useful.

You will find that your confidence and self-esteem may need some work also. Again, a life coach can help you here too.

You may find you have to end the relationship for your own well being particularly if your partner refuses to see the need for change.

Take a listen to this week's Real Love Show and listen to myself and Ryeal RelationshipCoach Simms break down toxic love.

If you would like help in the form of coaching please feel free to contact myself at Askpatricia@me.com or indeed Ryeal via myself and I will pass this on to him 

Hear the show here

Real Love Show - Toxic Love Affairs

Patricia Benjamin
Life Coach and Relationship Coach
BEFFTA Best Radio Personality
Sound Women 200 List
Christian Women in Media International Leader
Top 100 Most Influential Black People in Digital / Social Media

Why Rape Victims Keep Silent!

Why Rape Victims Keep Silent!



Counsellor Janet McNish and Sex Therapist Alison Mitchell explain why many keep quiet about being raped and do not tell a soul ever.  We also look at the effects on not only the victim but their husbands and partners.

Listen in



If you have been affected by anything discussed on this show you may contact JanetMcnish.com or intothelight.org.uk or email myself at askpatricia@me.com

The Break Up Season.....speaking with Natalie Lue

Hi guys,

How were the holidays for you? With it being the break up season, some of you may have experienced a break up in your relationship, or some kind of family drama, or turmoil. Why is it that at a time when there's meant to be peace on earth and plenty of goodwill to all men, it often turns out to be something very different!

There is a lot of expectation for the day, often family members have not crossed paths very much throughout the year and on this day expect everything to run smooth, sometimes there are blended family issues with deciding where children will spend the day, not an easy one. Sometimes there are difficult in-laws to contend with.

A friend told of visiting her mother in law on Christmas day with her husband and their 2 small children, only to be left completely by herself after dinner, as his mother whisked him away upstairs to conduct a private conversation for several hours.  Not really in the spirit of things really is it.......

One of my clients told me of her father, who's quite fond of a drop of whisky, and he would become very inebriated and then spoil the evening for everyone else. Happy Christmas not.....

This week on the Real Love Show  we spoke about those who had experienced being dumped. Sometimes it came out of the blue and in others it was expected.  I recall one of my friends decided, while Christmas was only weeks away, that she would have to give her boyfriend the old heave-ho but wanted to wait until Christmas was over as he had promised her a computer as a present! A bit naughty.....

Apparently, when she gave him the news, he said he had felt it coming. Very often when we say it was out of the blue, we have willfully ignored the signs.

A guest on the show shared a somewhat amusing story of The Green Tie.  Apparently he and his girlfriend often exchanged several gifts but on this day, there was just the one. A Green Tie. Kipper style. Plus, she actually worked in a tie shop. So she did not work very hard to choose that present. So the breakup that came mere days later was expected. He laughs now, but notes that she did much better in the gift exchange that year as he had bought generously.  Hear the Real Love Show here

My special guest was Relationship Adviser and blogger, Natalie Lue, who gave plenty of advice on moving on after breakups. One of the most important ones was not to try to convince your ex of their big mistake. Begging is not a good look. You will lose their respect.  Don't keep checking up on them and what they're up do via  their via social media. Don't try to be "just friends". I mean, how do you go from being in an intimate relationship with someone to a platonic friendship, it just doesn't work like that. Natalie calls it the No Contact Rule.

In order to get on with your life, its important to give yourself space and time.  Do not hold with the theory that the best way to get over an old love is to to get under a new one. BIG MISTAKE. You are not built that way. You need to re-discover yourself afresh. Don't be the kind of person who only feels validated if you are in relationship. Let your body physically get over your ex.  Don't get intimate with them, this will not help them to get back together with you. This will not help with keeping your respect and integrity.



Take time for you at this time.  Being single is much better than being with someone who doesn't really want to be with you. You will love again.


Find the Real Love Show on Tunein.com or Stitcher Radio for latest shows.

Ask Patricia
@Ask_Patricia

Up Close and Personal with Patricia

Hi guys

Today I thought I would share a little bit about me and why I'm here. 

I'm a mum with four grown up children. All of whom I'm very proud of. Three sons and a daughter. I now have a grandson who is my treasure, never knew you could love someone like this. 

My eldest son Joel is a leisure manager for a local school and a drama enthusiast in his spare time. He's also an ardent football fan. (It's all about the arsenal). 

My daughter Danielle who follows him in age raises money for charity, teaches young people drama and is also a make-up expert. 

Next comes Jacob, a bit of a maverick, works in loss prevention, has given us our first grandchild and has decided to take on the world and do whatever it takes for his son. He also does catwalk modelling and gets loads of free designer gear. Nice work if you can get it! 

Then my youngest James, working his first job in retail, and making his mark in the world in his own way. I think he has a career in stand up comedy, or acting as he's very good at improvisation. He's also very good with young kids and trains them in sports. 

I've been married for 30 years to my college sweetheart and  every time someone asks me how long I've been married they are always totally blown away when I reply 30 years. "No one is married for 30 years Patricia" is what they tell me. "Were you a child bride"? (Of course I love this one.......)

I could write a book on marriage. Several. In fact I probably will. To be honest I'm pretty passionate about marriage and family. 

The older I get (I've recently entered my 5th decade, but that's another post) the more and more I see that practically everything goes back to our childhood, our upbringing, our family and our home life. It affects the way we do things, how we treat others, the goals and expectations we have of life, and other people and most importantly ourselves. 

I really believe if we have healthy, caring, strong and principled homes we bring this into local communities and into society at large. It then affects each new generation.

Both my husband and I pastored for ten years which was an incredible part of our journey as a couple and a real education about ourselves, people in general and life. So much goes on behind the closed doors of many a respectable home. I tell you this, all families have issues. It's not just you. It's not just me. But I loved spending time with people, opening my heart to them sharing my struggles and in turn hearing about theirs. People love to help and it was a real heartwarming place within which to serve others. 

I then trained as a life coach which actually allowed me to take what I was doing with families and people in the church to a wider group of people, many of them unchurched. But again, all families have issues. I found the same human conditions prevailed. It was a new period of learning for me. In fact I believe I was at my most happiest. I remember at times leaving my coaching Practice at the end of the day and feeling totally alive and attuned to my surroundings, other people and being very animated and excited about life in general.  I remember sharing this feeling with a colleague who replied " Patricia, if you're feeling this happy you are in the top 10% ie people who have found their true calling and purpose in life."  I think they were right. My feeling of happiness went deep down in the cells of my body. I could feel it. 

I then took my coaching to the radio. So a new group of people, a new audience that's worldwide. But guess, what the issues are all the same. We all want loving relationships. We all want our families to be happy and successful. We all want to be financially astute and financially free. We all want our children to do well. We all want good health. No matter who we are or where we live. 

So now I'm blogging and sharing on topics that are close to my heart. Hopefully another platform I can make new friends and connect with new people. It's exciting to see your blog being read in faraway places such as Venezuela, the Caribbean, Thailand, Guinea, Japan, Russia and places nearer home, Ireland, Italy, France, as well of course USA.

You will find that women's issues come up most of the time. I will speak on relationships, family matters, personal development, health matters and business/money issues. After all life is a business, it's all about the money; if you don't have good health you don't have anything and to be successful in life we have to keep growing. 

I hope you will visit my blog regularly (My plan is to write at least weekly) please have a read, say your thoughts, follow me. I promise to visit and follow you too.   It's a global conversation. 

I would especially love to connect with you if you are a woman over 35 who wants to challenge herself to get as much out of life as possible. If you're discovering your purpose, maybe have a few areas in your life that need attention and you're looking for support and encouragement along the way, I'm your girl. 

Til next time,

Patricia 

What's Love Got To Do With It?

More than just a line in a catchy song but a question I ask when I hear about domestic violence.

What exactly comprises domestic violence?

Domestic violence (closely related to domestic abuse, spousal abuse, battering, family violence and intimate partner violence) is a pattern of behavior which involves violence or other abuse by one person against another in a domestic context, such as in marriage or cohabitation. Intimate partner violence is domestic violence against a spouse or other intimate partner.

So it would appear that often the person closest to us such as our partner is the perpetrator of such behaviour. It's very hard to feel loved in this kind of environment.

On this week's Real Love Show we had with us Motivational Speaker, Awarded Broadcaster and National Ambassador of Domestic Violence UK, Jenni Steele.

Jenni experienced domestic violence  as a teenager and shared with our audience her journey into self-confidence and personal  accomplishment.

Jenni's abuser was her first love. Someone she felt emotionally close to and who she thought loved her. 

Jenni says "after being punched up so bad that I was left unconscious, I was saved by a neighbour. I never went back."

Something Jenni shared which I found so useful was that sometimes people judged without realising they were doing so. Like so many women, including some who have been on my show previously, Jenni told no one what was happening to her.  One of these reasons was judgement from friends.

I asked her "Jenni, how can this be, if it were me and my friend was being abused I would feel angry on her behalf and want to immediately confront the person in question, such would be my indignation".  But Jenni explained people often come back with the reply "that could never happen to me", "if that was me, I would do this" and this type of response makes the individual feel they are to blame. That they are in some way culpable, that they were allowing it to take place.

I thought to myself, what a very good point. That's exactly what is happening. It doesn't help, strengthen, bolster or encourage the victim at all. In fact it makes them less likely to open up and tell someone what is happening.

So can I use this post to simply encourage anyone that hears another individual's story to suspend the judgement. To simply listen. With compassion and help them any way they can. If it is to go along with them to the police. If it is to hold their hand while they reach out to organisations such as Women's Aid or Jenni's charity Domestic Violence UK, then let that suffice.

And let it be known, it is NEVER the victim's fault. They are not to blame. There is never an excuse.

President Obama said the following just after the Ray Rice incident where the footballer knocked his wife out cold during an argument,

"Hitting a woman is not something a real man does, and that's true whether or not an act of violence happens in the public eye, or, far too often, behind closed doors."

“Stopping domestic violence is something that's bigger than football – and all of us have a responsibility to put a stop to it.”

We all do indeed!

Listen to Jenni here on the Real Love Show


Patricia Benjamin
Life Coach and Relationship Coach
Talk Show Host
Sound Women 200 List
Top 100 Most Influential Black People in Digital/Social Media
Christian Women in Media International Network Leader
BEFFTA Best Radio Personality

My Bout With Depression

Well, it really seems as though this disorder knows no bounds and it does not discriminate when it comes to choosing it's victims.

People in the public eye are becoming more open about their experiences and journey through depression. I choose to use the word journey as thankfully it does not have to be a destination. 

In the wake of the recent news of actor Robin Williams taking his own life whilst in a depression and Fifi Geldolf, daughter of rock star and humanitarian Bob Geldof, opening up about her twenty years of depression, about which she had told no one, I wanted to use this blog to share my thoughts on this subject. For many reasons its something people don't like to talk about. It seems to carry a stigma that can lock its victims into a silent world.

I recall some years ago when I was very listless and lack-luster about life with very low energy and little enthusiasm for most things. I remember thinking that I must be low in some vitamin requirement and that I just needed some "tonic" from the doctor and all would be well.

At the time I had 4 young children between 1 yr and 9 yrs of age. My parents were living in the Caribbean having recently retired there. It felt strange having them so far away when I was used to seeing them on a weekly basis. My mother's health wasn't so good and she had in fact had 2 heart attacks since going to live abroad. My concern for her was never far from my thoughts.

My children were great, no problems there and my husband was supportive and totally engaged with his young family.

Of course life was demanding with such a young and robust family and like most mothers and wives I put their needs first, after that there was my husband and then next there was the house. Me......, well I tended to find time rather than make time.

Anyhow on visiting my doctor to obtain the required elixir, he quietly listened to me describe my symptoms after which he proceeded to explain to me that I didn't have a vitamin deficiency, but I was in fact depressed.

I was in shock. I couldn't believe it. Depressed. That wasn't a word that I associated with myself . And no thank you, I did not need the prescription he kindly wrote out for me. No way!

I decided I didn't want to be depressed and I wasn't going to be anymore. I wasn't going to take the ante-depressants he recommended at all. I got home and sat myself down. I confronted the diagnosis and thought well if I am depressed what is it that I am depressed about? Two things came to mind after some contemplation.

I was desperately worried about my mum. I didn't want her to die. She couldn't die. She was my mum. She was the centre of our family. Life would never be the same again. I remember being told that the third heart attack is always fatal and that sentence had lodged itself in my mind and spirit. I was so far away. What on earth could I do? My father was elderly also and what would happen if she became ill again and there was no one around. Would an ambulance get there in time? Would anyone be there to even call the ambulance? That plus a myriad of thoughts filled my mind daily. I felt so powerless. So far away. So helpless.

I didn't like the feeling of helplessness. That got to me more than anything. I always believe something can be done. I do not like playing the role of victim. I recognised I needed to change my perspective.

I realized I was also discouraged within myself as I had had no time to do any form of exercise as I normally did for several months and I was feeling the effects of that. I knew I had to change things. Instead of trying to find time to exercise I had to make time; make myself a priority and create the time. I needed to recognise that I mattered too. That I was "somebody" too. And life would still go on if I wasn't always at the beck and call of my family, the world would still keep turning. Things needed to change. I needed to change. Both my thoughts and my behaviour.

So I decided to take a proactive role when it came to my parents and to my mother in particular. We had a family meeting with my siblings and we came up with a care arrangement that satisfied everyone, including my mother who guarded her independence quite fiercely.

Then I joined the local gym and got myself there by hook or by crook 3 days per week, no mean feat with my family still needing my time and attention.

Two very simple steps but with outstanding results for me. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. Slowly but surely, in a matter of days and weeks I felt better. I even looked better. I didn't carry a pertually pensive look on my face and I wasnt so absorbed in my thoughts as before. In fact, I began making plans for a holiday break, thought about changing my hair colour, all simple things but things that meant I was feeling positive, again. I also felt back in control. After all, I had done all in my ability to address the situation regarding my parents and I now had that essential "peace of mind" about my mum and my dad. Things were coming together. Life was moving onwards and upwards again. Seemingly miraculously the depression was gone. I hadn't even noticed it leave. It was a day by day thing. I just realized one day that I was actually feeling hopeful and excited about everything and was experiencing joy in my daily life and as I went about things generally.

I recognise and accept that I did not have severe or clinical depression. I understand my depression was mild to moderate and would be classed as situational depression.

I talk about this because someone reading may relate. You may not have gone to the doctor as I did and may not even realise you have depression. I didn't realise and would never have thought of myself as being depressed at the time.

One other thing I could have done was just talk. I am quite a private person and if I don't have something positive to say I would rather keep things to myself. This can work in a lot of other areas of life but in this area it didn't help.

It is good to talk. It's also good to write. To journal. To express through poetry. To write a diary. To get your thoughts out. A good friend at these times is invaluable. If you like a group approach speaking in a forum where it is confidential is also great. Sharing in your church women's groups or men's group can be good too. It can be particularly hard to open up about depression if you are a church member as you are supposed to be full of the joy of the Lord and aren't you rather letting the side down if you are full of sorrow and unexplained sadness instead?

Depression can be isolating at the very time you need companionship. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems. The old cliche A Trouble Shared Is A Trouble Halved is true.

What does the song say, "Lean on me, when you're not strong, I'll be a friend, I'll help you carry on, For it wont be long til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on." 

If you are a person of faith and your faith is tested you can lean on someone. Two are better than one because when one falls down one can help the other up, says the book of Proverbs. Life is fluid. It doesn't stay static. Christians can be subject to sadness, anxiety or depression and its important that instead of denying it we address it and get the help we need. If you don't feel strong enough to do it by yourself, get help. Do what Fifi Geldof did and open up. Lighten the load. Help someone else by sharing your story. Talk to someone who is patient and has time. You can even comment on this blog post. You can email me (askpatricia@me.com). You will find, you are not alone going through this but many others can and will relate.

On this week's Real Love Show regular team member, Janet McNish was with me in her capacity as professional therapist and I know she can provide you with further help you should require. Find her at www.JanetMcNish.com