Failed Expectations

It's so easy for me  to feel let down by friends or brethren that I  feel did not meet or measure up to my expectations. They didn't  meet my needs. So here I am left feeling hurt, disappointed or even betrayed.

The real problem though is me.

I can't control other people's behaviour.  But I can control my own.

The truth was I never stated my expectation.  I didn't state what I needed.

Maybe I felt that if they were really my friends they would just know. Whereas truth be told, I've been married over 3 decades and I still need to be told.  I cannot read my husband's mind.  Neither can he read mine.

This is why its always said communication is the key to all successful relationships. Not just when it comes to marriage.

If I don't say clearly what's in my mind, can I really be upset when my friend doesn't "just know" what I really want deep down?

I must admit I used to be very high maintenance when it came to friendships. I would expect understanding. I would expect loyalty.  I would expect support. I would expect acceptance.

These may not seem that unreasonable but I would expect it at all times. I've come to realise that one person cannot meet all my friendship needs.

I recognise that's too heavy a demand. Especially when that person has their own life to live and may be facing their own pressures.

Did it mean they were not a good friend because they could not put in an unfailing stint every time I needed to talk? 

The answer is no.

Now I see so clearly that true friends give you the best that they are able. When I demand still more that is me being a drain on them when they don't have it to give.

So what's the answer here. What do I do? How do my needs and expectations become realised? Easy. I have a myriad of beautiful people in my life. All special.  All blessed. All anointed. All gifted. I have to learn who has the gift for my current situation.

2 years ago I went through a terrible time personally that I would not wish upon anyone. My whole world felt upside down and no ground was sure beneath my feet. But one friend that I opened up to helped me and comforted me spiritually,  practically and materially.  Every morning, early ,  my phone would ring and it would be her. She was an amazing rock.  I had another friend that as soon as she heard she gave practical help within the hour.

Did this mean my other friends were not there for me? Of course not. And they all supported me in their own way which was truly greatly appreciated.

Sometimes it may not be all that deep, I may need someone to spend some recreational time with and talk about my creative ideas for business and ministry. I have friends who lunch and pray with me. It's all good.

When I need my eyebrows threaded I have trendy fashionista friends who can point me in the right direction and meet up with me after for smoothies and cupcakes.  It's all good.

And it's two way. I will be there to encourage and pray for anyone at anytime. I don't mean polite prayers either. I mean prayers that get the job done. We stay there til its done. I'll talk with you for ages on the phone if that's the need.

But if I  don't have it to give you because I'm in recovery myself you may need to seek another person. When you're in recovery you don't have anything left over to pour into someone else. But believe me when I'm fully recovered it's a different story.

If we have expectations of others that are not being met and we feel that they don't really care or that they don't really respect us or we feel we don't matter to them; Let me say, "that's a lie from the pit of hell" designed to fracture and break your friendship.

Friendship is next to fellowship.  Never withdraw from the herd. You may think you don't need the herd but let me tell you that you do. The lone deer that has wandered away is an open target for the hungry (roaring) lion (who is seeking to devour). The isolating of ourselves from everyone else is not empowering.  No one succeeds on their own. That's a simple fact. Even Jesus being who he was had 12 who worked with him.  And then he sent them out 2 by 2.

Don't allow powerful bonds and strong alliances to break due to failed expectations.

Instead pull up the deep roots of unforgiveness that leads to bitterness and anger so that you can be at peace in your own mind and spirit.

Then you can ask what you will and it will be done. Then  your prayer will be answered.  We can't get forgiveness until we give forgiveness. We do not want our prayers to be hindered.

Patricia Benjamin
Life and Relationship Coach
BEFFTA Best Radio Personality
Sound Women 200 List
Christian Women in Media International
Top 100 Most Influential Black People in Digital /Social Media

Celebrating Success! #Woman4Africa

I've been to quite a few award ceremonies this year and have had a great time at them all.

From being six degrees away from Idris Elba, meeting popular soap stars, including Ellen Thomas (EastEnders), Chizzy Akudolu (Holby), Noel Clarke (Kidulthood), football stars Fabrice Muamba, other media personalities, dining alongside award winning film actors, producers and directors, it would still not be hyperbole to say attending Women 4 Africa's 4th Annual Award is a strong contender for my top pick.

It was vibrant with African fashion and colour, afro beats and dance, side splitting comedy, poetry that came from the heart and amazing, highly accomplished women.  I felt honoured to be amongst them.

I can't tell you how alive the room felt, pulsating with compassion, with joy in the achievement of other women and hope and belief in creating a powerful future. There really was a strong sense of sisterhood. Genuine pleasure in celebrating the victories of other women. Saying I was inspired is just not enough.

I feel very proud to have shared the same platform in the past through  radio with the host of the event Tola Onigbanjo alongside her husband Sam. A better partnering you couldn't hope to meet.

Thank you for the kind invitation to attend Tola.

Many many women were recognised and honoured and it must truly have been a tough decision for the judges as the calibre was so high. All those ladies were real winners whether called to the stage or not

A couple to mention are:-

Funke Abimbola who is Managing Counsel for Roche pharmaceutical operations in the UK and a regular lecturer at universities and conference;

Susan Edjang  from Equatorial Guinea,  a global health and policy expert serving in the UN for the Secretary General;

Ifrah Ahmed from Somalia, a committed and highly motivated social and community worker in such organisations as UNICEF, Amnesty International

But the full list will be found at www.women4africa.com - check it out.

Women 4 Africa Official Short Video

In a time when mediocrity is often rewarded and fame is achieved by extremely questionable behaviour, I am so delighted that Women 4 Africa exists. We don't pursue our passions for awards instead its usually to fulfil that inner drive and our raison d'etre, but it is truly right that recognition is given.

These women who shine their lights so brightly and unashamedly give us all permission to shine our own. 

I'm encouraged to do so and I hope you will be.

However, no matter how much we laud these ladies never compare yourself to them or even believe you are in competition with them. You are only competing with yourself. To be better. To do better.  To grow.  To keep evolving.  Don't be tempted to stay where you're comfortable or where others are comfortable with you.

Be inspired and encouraged by these women but know that only you can achieve your mission in life. No one can do what you do in the way you can. You have your tribe to reach. You have your people to influence and you have all you need to make it happen.

Give it your all. Give it your 100%

Big Congratulations Sam and Tola Onigbanjo.  You are a winning team. Go on to dominate in your field. Thank you for showing us how its done as you keep recognising and honouring others who are doing the same.

Patricia Benjamin
Life and Relationship Coach
BEFFTA Best Radio Personality
Sound Women 200 List
Christian Women in Media International
Top 100 Most Influential Black People in Digital /Social Media

Guest Blog post - Marigold's Story - Getting Out of a Violent Marriage.

"I found myself in a situation that I never thought was possible, An abusive relationship. I had not experienced such behavior for over 10 years when I was in my first marriage. I had dated in between this and had not experienced this. What was it about the men I had chosen to marry?

I met my husband at a Christian conference in New York, we were both Christian ministers. He was one of the speakers at the conference and we were introduced to each other by the host. We began a long distance romance after that, him in the USA and me in the UK.

 It was perfect. He visited me in the UK, we went on Christian mission trips together before we decided to get married. On a beautiful autumn morning by Morris lake in Atlanta Georgia USA we got married. 

It was soon after that I would discover to my horror the man I thought I married was someone else.

The verbal and psychological abuse started almost immediately we began living together. The physical abuse started soon after culminating in him lashing out and hiting me in front of a friend. The confusion, emotional, psychological and physical suffering that followed this was hard to describe.

After 6 months of marriage, two and a half month of living together and having left him twice I fled to a domestic violence shelter. I had never been in a shelter before, it was like living in a UK open prison. Completely alone in a strange county and no family or friends for support and no income the reality of what had happened to me struck. I experienced many emotions after this. Extreme fear, terror, regret.

I had the difficult problem to deal with that 'I was still in love with my abuser'. When I left he tried so may ways to harm me and get me back under his 'control'. Had it not been for the police prosecuting him and him having a spell in jail I don't know if he would have stopped.

With lots of counselling, support groups and spiritual help from a multitude of strangers I got myself back on my feet. How did I do this? As I had no friends or family and was in a strange country I quickly got connected to as many support organisation as I could, including churches and various programs. 

I was involved in some form of support and recovery 6 days a week. In order to recover I received emotional and psychological counselling, spiritual prayer and deliverance, attended support groups several times a week, did lots of journaling, crying, personal prayer and reflection. Two and a half years later I can say things are completely different. 

I can truly say that now I am living the life I had imagined. One of the things that assisted with my recovery was volunteering to assist women that were in the same or similar situation to myself.  It was and still is very cathartic.

I say to all women or men who are suffering any kind of abuse or consistent unkindness or controlling behaviour from a romantic partner to get help. If you can't speak to friends and famiy contact support agencies. I have come across too many cases of mostly women being permanently maimed, disabled or murdered because they were unable to get out in time. 

My blessing goes to all women especially those that are currently suffering."

Hear Marigold speak to Patricia Benjamin here on the the Real Love Show

7 Lessons I Learned After 31 Years of Marriage

First of all, as of today at the exact time of writing, 31 years ago I was standing at the altar of my church exchanging vows. They were the old fashioned vows where I  promised to love, honour and obey and my husband promised to have and to hold. ....to love and to cherish me until death parted us.

Solemn words for a solemn act.

And that's what marriage is. It's a solemn undertaking not to be held lightly but guarded closely.

I could easily change the title of this post to 31 Lessons from 31 years of marriage but time does not afford so let me share seven major lessons.

1. Marriage was the best thing I ever did. Surrendering my right to be solo and to join with my husband has been both empowering and liberating. Marriage does not trap you, it releases you. Releases you to express yourself completely as a human being. There are some things that are kept for marriage for a reason. Good reason. Marriage requires vulnerability and nakedness, both emotionally and physically. It requires truth in the inward parts like nothing else. Yet it yields the greatest rewards. 

Despite what society implies, marriage is a good thing. A powerful institution and a sure foundation upon which to build families, the bedrock of society.

2. A good piece of advice is to remove the word divorce from your vocabulary.  With this in mind you will think carefully and thoroughly about whom you marry. You won't rush in. It's for life.  You will look further than his handsome looks and her beauty. You will look for character and integrity.  It doesn't matter how well he wears a suit or how much his touch gives you butterflies, if he cannot be trusted or has shown himself to be unworthy he will not make a good husband. 

It doesn't matter how many admiring glances she gets from other men making you feel proud to be beside her, if she is deceitful or arrogant she will not love you freely and be a good wife.  When you know you're marrying for life, take time to know your intended.  Get to know their family.  Get to see their values played out, see how they treat others.  See if they're good people.  Once you've made the choice you must trust you have made the right one and commit.

3. Commitment. Remember there will always be a man who can give you more.  Maybe give you a bigger house,  buy you  higher  brand  clothes, take you on exotic holidays or who is more educated and commercially successful than your husband. There will always come a man who has a better swag and better looks. That's not the point.  Marriage  is not based any of those things . You have committed to your man. That's it.

There will always be a woman who has a better figure and nicer looks, who is younger and firmer.  A woman who cooks better than your wife and  who seems to understand you better,  who is more articulate than your wife.  Marriage is not based on these. You made a commitment to your wife. You vowed to honour her with your body and all your worldly goods. So rejoice with her and let her breasts satisfy you. 

With your help,  love, admiration and support your partner can get better not just older. A man will walk taller in life if he has the admiration of his life partner,  his wife.  A woman  will have that 'something' and that sparkle  when she knows her husband treats her likes she's number 1. And only.

4. Your partner comes before your children. As a couple your children  are your priority.  Everything you do is for them. But you both must be in sync when raising them. Don't take their side against your wife.  Don't take their side against your husband.

5. Appropriate boundaries at all times. Don't tell out all your business to your friends. Don't tell out all your business to your family.  Everybody doesn't get to have a say about your wife. Everybody doesn't get to have a say about your husband.

In laws, no matter how well meaning, have to respect you as a couple and not feel they can tell you what to do. Husbands, your wife is the number one woman in your life. You respect and honour your mother but you are one flesh with your wife and you are to cleave to her. Wives, your husband is your first refuge and port of call if there's trouble, not your dad.

Ladies, your girlfriends don't need to know what's happening and all your latest arguments or difficulties.  Marriages become very crowded when there's a need to get girlfriends involved. Men are less given to this but the same rule applies.

6. Older and experienced couples who have relationships you admire, keep them as mentors and friends. Go to them if you want help or advice.  Choose people you can trust and who share similar values to you. All marriages go through difficulties at times and their experience will inform the advice and counsel they give to you.

7. Let there be love. Show love to each other in all its richness and forms.  Be each other's best friend. Give support and a listening ear. Give yourself sexually to each other,  it's God's way of reinforcing your union and your bond, that's why it's kept for marriage.  It will tie you together at your souls. It will keep her his soulmate, and it will keep him hers. 

Speak highly of each other. Respect each other and daily ask God for His grace and favour.  Marriage is God's idea and He is the only one that can help us to live it.

Real Love Show - my favourite love songs and lessons.

Patricia Benjamin
Life Coach, Love & Relationship Coach
BEFFTA Best Radio Personality
Sound Women 200 List
Christian Women in Media International
Top 100 Most Influential Black People in Digital / Social Media

I Get By with a little Help from my Friends

I am someone who is totally at ease with my own company.

I'm happy to go lunch alone in a restaurant, catch a movie by myself, visit a museum on my own, and I've done all these and enjoyed the experience.

I've started projects on my own and loved those too.

But I want to speak to the power of support, encouragement, help and assistance.

No matter how gifted or talented you are you can only achieve so much by yourself.

Everyone needs help.  Usually if you want to achieve something significant you will make a better job of it with the help of those who believe in you.

Consider the impact of negative words.  The crushing words of someone who doesn't believe in you or your vision and just doesn't think you can go anywhere or achieve anything.  It takes a long time to bounce back from those projections.  But when people love your ideas, love your vision and actually want to help you build it,  it helps bring about  a natural momentum.

No matter how wonderful your idea is and how promisingly it starts you will have a few roadblocks or uphill struggles . That's where your support team is invaluable.

Please decide to give encouraging words to people you see doing amazing things and stepping outside past confinements.  Be a supporter. Don't just sit on the wall and watch and say nothing.  Say something good. Life is in the power of your tongue.

If you are the one switching things up and going for your goals don't do it in a vacuum. Talk to those that are doing likewise.  You'll get good conversation, advice and help.

Over the last 3 weeks I've spoken to 3 fabulous ladies who offered me sterling advice which I did not even need to ask for. These ladies believe in me.  They believe in my vision and were abundant in their talent and insight which they shared.

One thing I've learned is that truly successful people help others.  They don't try to cut you off. They don't try to rob your idea.  They don't try to discourage you,  they simply walk in their own strength and help others do the same.

If you don't know who your supporters are, look around you. They are the ones who always find the time to appreciate you and they are closer than you think.

We all have our dream team, they are ready when you are ready.

Remember your vision will need more than just you, but without you it won't work.

Go for your dream today.

#feelinggrateful

Patricia Benjamin
Life & Relationship Coach
BEFFTA Best Radio Personality
Sound Women 200 List
Christian Women in Media International Leader
Top 100 Most Influential Black People in Digital / Social Media

Refocusing after setbacks, 2

What is your inner belief system?  What does it stand for?

This is crucial to understand when you've experienced a setback or a disappointment.

The benefits of a strong inner belief system are many;

* Stronger self-confidence
* Healthy self-esteem
* Greater life satisfaction
* Comfort with self and others

But how exactly does one go about developing a strong inner belief system?

Consider the following questions.

Finding answers to these can help you distinguish yourself in the group.

1. ​Explore what you currently believe about work, life, people, and yourself.
You can try a free-writing exercise. Write each word (work, life, etc.) at the top of a page (one for each page) and then a free associate for each word. Write down whatever thoughts might be conjured up by the word at the top of the page.
Write until each page is full.

2. ​How much of what you believe is your own?

Take a look at what you wrote on each page.

Identify messages that may have come from parents, friends, family, peers, teachers, etc. You can see that some thoughts appear under almost every section. Identify the recurring themes.

Now, highlight the things that truly reflect who you are and what you believe.

3. ​How much of it is enabling and how much disabling?

The messages of others can be encouraging or discouraging.
Now, look at the messages and thoughts that reflect your own inner belief system. How do they make you feel, empowering or limited?

4. ​What do you want to believe?

Consider your true beliefs, the thoughts and messages you firmly believe in.

Do they reflect how you want to feel about life, work, people, and yourself?

Take a blank paper and write down each idea or thought that are considered right by others on the left hand. On the right hand side write down your alternative; how you would like to feel/think about each.

Reprogram yourself by identifying these limiting thoughts as they pop into your head, and replacing them with the thoughts and ideas you identified on the right hand side of the paper.

Continue this exercise, and you will find the old limiting thoughts creeping up less and less and the new empowering thoughts substituting them.

5. ​What messages about life, people, work, and yourself did you get from family as you shaped your personality?

Family, your primary social unit, can influence you more than most other institutions.

Family members have the tendency to repeat their messages. If you have chosen to reprogram any of their thoughts, values or beliefs, then be prepared to counter these beliefs whenever a family member articulates them.

6. ​What's your response when you express your belief and someone disagrees?

There can be many who do not agree with your beliefs and ideas. Consider how you might respond, should you share your beliefs with others and find that they disagree.
You don’t have to change your mind.
There is nothing wrong in someone else believing differently from your beliefs. People are different and that's what makes the world go round after all.

Simply convey that you see life/work/people/etc. differently, and then reconfirm your belief by repeating it to yourself.

As you explore your answers to these questions and the exercises associated with each, you'll begin to realize the strength of your inner belief system.

Expression of an idea is a difficult job. You need a great amount of confidence to express your beliefs in an unwavering fashion. People will challenge you and come forward with counterarguments.

Consider it as an opportunity to test your ability to continue with your belief system intact as part of your own personal growth.

See you back here next time.

Patricia Benjamin
Life Coach
Love & Relationship Coach
Facebook: Ask Patricia
Twitter: Ask_Patricia
iTunes: Real Love Show

Getting Back on Track after a Setback

Are you still clear as to your life and where you're going?

At this time you may just need to sharpen your focus expecially if you've had a setback or two . We all have them and it's important to have the right attitude in such times. Remember, your attitude will determine your altitude.  Let's gets to it!

Edmund Hillary was three times unsuccessful while trying to climb Mount Everest before his historical achievement in 1953.

People praised his triumph and said, "You've conquered the mountain," and Sir Hillary said, "No, I've conquered myself."

The bitter experiences of early three attempts did not hold back Hillary from a fourth one. With strong will and relentless enthusiasm, he pursued his goal and achieved it.

How many times have you started a diet, stopped smoking, or tried something new and went back to where you were when a setback or obstacle occurred. People often stumble over obstacles and even consider them as excuses for their failures.

Setbacks and difficulties are inevitable in life. They often challenge your skills and temperament.

There are two ways to face difficulties.

1. You can either change the difficulty or change yourself to be able to deal with it.

2. You can deal with difficulties properly and make use of the experience to enhance your confidence or you can deal with them incorrectly and let them seriously damage your confidence.

If you can see and face challenges in a positive way, you will gain immense experience and knowledge from it. Remember, a smooth sea never made a skilful mariner.

Your response to issues and difficulties:

Failure should never be considered as a source of discouragement, but a motivation. You know how 

Helen Keller, a mute and blind woman, went on to become a world-famous speaker and author. Your ability to deal with challenges can be converted into a virtue by asking positive empowering questions yourself.

There is an unwritten rule that says:

Ask your mind a stupid question and you will get a stupid answer.

So, if, after a setback, you ask yourself something like

"Why does this always happen to me, I never have any luck?"

Your mind will probably come out with:

"Because you are useless and good things do not happen to you!"

Instead, if you ask yourself a positive empowering question like:

"What did I learn from this setback for next time?"

Your mind will switch into solution mode and come out with some excellent tips.

Following are some points to ponder about when setbacks do occur:

* Be brave enough to acknowledge what has happened. Don't hide away from it. These things happen. So what?

* Ask yourself as many positive empowering questions as you can.

For example:

What is good about this situation?

How can I make the most of this situation?

What can I learn from it?

What are the facts about this problem?

How can we make it a success next time?

* Acknowledge the fact that setbacks occur to everyone and you are not being singled out.

* View setbacks as a challenge to overcome rather than an issue or problem.

Patricia Benjamin
Life Coach
Love & Relationship Coach
BEFFTA Best Radio Personality
Sound Women 200 List
Christian Women in Media International Leader
Top 100 Most Influential Black People in Digital / Social Media