What's Love Got To Do With It?

More than just a line in a catchy song but a question I ask when I hear about domestic violence.

What exactly comprises domestic violence?

Domestic violence (closely related to domestic abuse, spousal abuse, battering, family violence and intimate partner violence) is a pattern of behavior which involves violence or other abuse by one person against another in a domestic context, such as in marriage or cohabitation. Intimate partner violence is domestic violence against a spouse or other intimate partner.

So it would appear that often the person closest to us such as our partner is the perpetrator of such behaviour. It's very hard to feel loved in this kind of environment.

On this week's Real Love Show we had with us Motivational Speaker, Awarded Broadcaster and National Ambassador of Domestic Violence UK, Jenni Steele.

Jenni experienced domestic violence  as a teenager and shared with our audience her journey into self-confidence and personal  accomplishment.

Jenni's abuser was her first love. Someone she felt emotionally close to and who she thought loved her. 

Jenni says "after being punched up so bad that I was left unconscious, I was saved by a neighbour. I never went back."

Something Jenni shared which I found so useful was that sometimes people judged without realising they were doing so. Like so many women, including some who have been on my show previously, Jenni told no one what was happening to her.  One of these reasons was judgement from friends.

I asked her "Jenni, how can this be, if it were me and my friend was being abused I would feel angry on her behalf and want to immediately confront the person in question, such would be my indignation".  But Jenni explained people often come back with the reply "that could never happen to me", "if that was me, I would do this" and this type of response makes the individual feel they are to blame. That they are in some way culpable, that they were allowing it to take place.

I thought to myself, what a very good point. That's exactly what is happening. It doesn't help, strengthen, bolster or encourage the victim at all. In fact it makes them less likely to open up and tell someone what is happening.

So can I use this post to simply encourage anyone that hears another individual's story to suspend the judgement. To simply listen. With compassion and help them any way they can. If it is to go along with them to the police. If it is to hold their hand while they reach out to organisations such as Women's Aid or Jenni's charity Domestic Violence UK, then let that suffice.

And let it be known, it is NEVER the victim's fault. They are not to blame. There is never an excuse.

President Obama said the following just after the Ray Rice incident where the footballer knocked his wife out cold during an argument,

"Hitting a woman is not something a real man does, and that's true whether or not an act of violence happens in the public eye, or, far too often, behind closed doors."

“Stopping domestic violence is something that's bigger than football – and all of us have a responsibility to put a stop to it.”

We all do indeed!

Listen to Jenni here on the Real Love Show


Patricia Benjamin
Life Coach and Relationship Coach
Talk Show Host
Sound Women 200 List
Top 100 Most Influential Black People in Digital/Social Media
Christian Women in Media International Network Leader
BEFFTA Best Radio Personality

My Bout With Depression

Well, it really seems as though this disorder knows no bounds and it does not discriminate when it comes to choosing it's victims.

People in the public eye are becoming more open about their experiences and journey through depression. I choose to use the word journey as thankfully it does not have to be a destination. 

In the wake of the recent news of actor Robin Williams taking his own life whilst in a depression and Fifi Geldolf, daughter of rock star and humanitarian Bob Geldof, opening up about her twenty years of depression, about which she had told no one, I wanted to use this blog to share my thoughts on this subject. For many reasons its something people don't like to talk about. It seems to carry a stigma that can lock its victims into a silent world.

I recall some years ago when I was very listless and lack-luster about life with very low energy and little enthusiasm for most things. I remember thinking that I must be low in some vitamin requirement and that I just needed some "tonic" from the doctor and all would be well.

At the time I had 4 young children between 1 yr and 9 yrs of age. My parents were living in the Caribbean having recently retired there. It felt strange having them so far away when I was used to seeing them on a weekly basis. My mother's health wasn't so good and she had in fact had 2 heart attacks since going to live abroad. My concern for her was never far from my thoughts.

My children were great, no problems there and my husband was supportive and totally engaged with his young family.

Of course life was demanding with such a young and robust family and like most mothers and wives I put their needs first, after that there was my husband and then next there was the house. Me......, well I tended to find time rather than make time.

Anyhow on visiting my doctor to obtain the required elixir, he quietly listened to me describe my symptoms after which he proceeded to explain to me that I didn't have a vitamin deficiency, but I was in fact depressed.

I was in shock. I couldn't believe it. Depressed. That wasn't a word that I associated with myself . And no thank you, I did not need the prescription he kindly wrote out for me. No way!

I decided I didn't want to be depressed and I wasn't going to be anymore. I wasn't going to take the ante-depressants he recommended at all. I got home and sat myself down. I confronted the diagnosis and thought well if I am depressed what is it that I am depressed about? Two things came to mind after some contemplation.

I was desperately worried about my mum. I didn't want her to die. She couldn't die. She was my mum. She was the centre of our family. Life would never be the same again. I remember being told that the third heart attack is always fatal and that sentence had lodged itself in my mind and spirit. I was so far away. What on earth could I do? My father was elderly also and what would happen if she became ill again and there was no one around. Would an ambulance get there in time? Would anyone be there to even call the ambulance? That plus a myriad of thoughts filled my mind daily. I felt so powerless. So far away. So helpless.

I didn't like the feeling of helplessness. That got to me more than anything. I always believe something can be done. I do not like playing the role of victim. I recognised I needed to change my perspective.

I realized I was also discouraged within myself as I had had no time to do any form of exercise as I normally did for several months and I was feeling the effects of that. I knew I had to change things. Instead of trying to find time to exercise I had to make time; make myself a priority and create the time. I needed to recognise that I mattered too. That I was "somebody" too. And life would still go on if I wasn't always at the beck and call of my family, the world would still keep turning. Things needed to change. I needed to change. Both my thoughts and my behaviour.

So I decided to take a proactive role when it came to my parents and to my mother in particular. We had a family meeting with my siblings and we came up with a care arrangement that satisfied everyone, including my mother who guarded her independence quite fiercely.

Then I joined the local gym and got myself there by hook or by crook 3 days per week, no mean feat with my family still needing my time and attention.

Two very simple steps but with outstanding results for me. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. Slowly but surely, in a matter of days and weeks I felt better. I even looked better. I didn't carry a pertually pensive look on my face and I wasnt so absorbed in my thoughts as before. In fact, I began making plans for a holiday break, thought about changing my hair colour, all simple things but things that meant I was feeling positive, again. I also felt back in control. After all, I had done all in my ability to address the situation regarding my parents and I now had that essential "peace of mind" about my mum and my dad. Things were coming together. Life was moving onwards and upwards again. Seemingly miraculously the depression was gone. I hadn't even noticed it leave. It was a day by day thing. I just realized one day that I was actually feeling hopeful and excited about everything and was experiencing joy in my daily life and as I went about things generally.

I recognise and accept that I did not have severe or clinical depression. I understand my depression was mild to moderate and would be classed as situational depression.

I talk about this because someone reading may relate. You may not have gone to the doctor as I did and may not even realise you have depression. I didn't realise and would never have thought of myself as being depressed at the time.

One other thing I could have done was just talk. I am quite a private person and if I don't have something positive to say I would rather keep things to myself. This can work in a lot of other areas of life but in this area it didn't help.

It is good to talk. It's also good to write. To journal. To express through poetry. To write a diary. To get your thoughts out. A good friend at these times is invaluable. If you like a group approach speaking in a forum where it is confidential is also great. Sharing in your church women's groups or men's group can be good too. It can be particularly hard to open up about depression if you are a church member as you are supposed to be full of the joy of the Lord and aren't you rather letting the side down if you are full of sorrow and unexplained sadness instead?

Depression can be isolating at the very time you need companionship. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems. The old cliche A Trouble Shared Is A Trouble Halved is true.

What does the song say, "Lean on me, when you're not strong, I'll be a friend, I'll help you carry on, For it wont be long til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on." 

If you are a person of faith and your faith is tested you can lean on someone. Two are better than one because when one falls down one can help the other up, says the book of Proverbs. Life is fluid. It doesn't stay static. Christians can be subject to sadness, anxiety or depression and its important that instead of denying it we address it and get the help we need. If you don't feel strong enough to do it by yourself, get help. Do what Fifi Geldof did and open up. Lighten the load. Help someone else by sharing your story. Talk to someone who is patient and has time. You can even comment on this blog post. You can email me (askpatricia@me.com). You will find, you are not alone going through this but many others can and will relate.

On this week's Real Love Show regular team member, Janet McNish was with me in her capacity as professional therapist and I know she can provide you with further help you should require. Find her at www.JanetMcNish.com

So, What Do You Think of Interracial Dating?

http://askpatricia2000.wordpress.com/2014/08/16/love-across-the-cultures/

Body Confidence: How to Like What You See in The Mirror

 

From childhood we are sold on an ideal image of beauty, one few of us ever see reflected when we look in the mirror.  

 

This article will show you how you can look in the mirror and despite the ideal, see only a beautiful you.

 

When you look in the mirror, what’s the first thing you notice, and how does it make you feel?  

 

If you’re like most people, the first thing that catches your eye is probably your least favorite asset.  If so, don’t worry you’re not alone.  Here’s why.

 

Can you guess how much money is spent in just one year by advertisers to sell us on the concept of the “ideal” image of beauty?  

 

Well, I can’t either but I do know this—it’s a lot of money, certainly somewhere in the billions of dollars!  

 

So, technically, you can consider yourself brainwashed.  

 

From your earliest childhood days—whether you played with Action Man or Barbie—you’ve been receiving constant, consistent images telling you what beauty is supposed to look like.  

 

Never mind that these images are for the most part, anatomically impossible!

 

And, would you really want to look like David Beckham anyway?  Or Jessica Simpson?  Honestly?  

 

I’m guessing probably not.  

 

So, here’s how you can build your confidence with the body God gave you:

 

1. Look in the mirror

2. This time, really look at yourself.  

 

Reflect on the compliments you have received.  

 

Do people tell you how great your hair is?  

 

How beautiful your eyes are?  

 

That you have a nice smile?  Try to see what they see.

3. Stand far enough away from the mirror so that you can take it all in.  What do you see?  Find at least three positive things.

4. Now, get up close.  

 

Really close.  

 

Look at your eyes—the irises.  

 

What colour are they?  

 

Are they all one colour or are there flecks of various colours?  

 

How would you describe them using positive analogies or adjectives?

5. Now, smile.  What does your smile convey?  Warmth?  Happiness?

6. Find at least three characteristics you like best about yourself, and then accentuate them as you dress to go out.

 

• If you love your eyes, make sure your hair doesn’t cover them up

 

• Love your lips?  Make sure to keep them soft and moisturized

 

• Your hair?  Get a flattering cut and condition it regularly to keep it shiny and healthy

 

In short, amplify what you like, and don’t worry about the parts you don’t.  

 

Here are some ways to do just that:

• Go shopping and bring a good friend.  Ask them to help you pick out colours and clothes they think flatter you.  Don’t worry if your first reaction is “that’s not me!”  

Experiment!

• Feel better about whatever it is you don’t like about yourself by picturing the absolute worst-case scenario.  Exaggerate whatever it is you’re hung up on and blow it up in you mind until it’s comical.  Then look in the mirror—not so bad anymore is it?

 

Accept yourself for who you are, how you look, and focus on what really matters—the things about you that can’t be seen—your heart, mind and soul!

 

• What do you want people to praise you for?  Is it really how you look?  Probably not.  You probably want people to think you’re funny, smart, nice, or generous—something along those lines right?

• Make a list of your positive personal qualities and characteristics.  Then ask yourself, what’s more important?  Get involved in activities that build on your personal characteristics—volunteer, join a club, take a class to sharpen a talent.  These will help you emphasize and focus more on the more important qualities that get you through life successfully and with more fun.

 

 

Live life, love fully and laugh often!

Patricia Benjamin

Life & Relationship Coach

Sound Women 200 List

Top 100 List Most Influential Black People in Digital/Social Media

Christian Women in Media International Network Leader

BEFFTA Best Radio Personality

Twitter: Ask_Patricia & AskPatricia2000

iTunes: Real Love Show & The Ask Patricia Show

 

Love Me Love My Body

Paying attention to our health is central to enjoying a happy and successful life.  Our inner and outer health work together and are entirely co-dependant, you cannot have one without the other.  The universal Law of Cause and Effect dictates if we have a healthy mindset it is impossible for this not to bereflected outwardly.  What we must first do is to Take Responsibility for our physical health, how we feel about ourselves and the way we look.  This is our choice. The way we look, apart from our genetics, is largely down to us and no one else.  If we are petite and slender we can love every inch, if we are large and curvy we can love every inch.  If we want to lose or gain weight we can make it happen.  We do not need to look in the mirror and hate what we see.  Help is available if we need to make adjustments  to our nutrition, help is also at hand if we need to add a customized exercise plan to our daily routine and generally be more active.

 

Beyond pure aesthetics, our physical health plays a key role in how we live and run our lives.  It affects whether we have the energy to invest in our families, our relationships, spend fun time with friends, our careers.  Having good health means we will be around to enjoy the fruits of our labour.  It means our family can enjoy having us around for a long time.  Your partner will have your beauty and love in his life for as long as possible and you will enjoy having a body that gives you what you demand of it.  Clearly, neglecting our bodies is not an option!

 

Our emotional health is part of our health profile and is very often affected by high levels of stress.  Stress can show in our bodies in a myriad of ways: headaches, feelings of sluggishness, poor sleep patterns, weight gain, constant anxiety, high blood pressure and the like.   We are all stressed from time to time, and in fact some stress can be good if channelled correctly, e.g. working to meet a dealine.

 

How we handle stress will affect our emotional well being.  The most important thing to do is to identify the source or reason for the anxiety and face it.  Once we have faced up to it we can take steps to deal with it.  Do not allow it to fester and build, get outside help if necessary, forget about being super mom or superwoman.  The truth is she was an urban myth andnever really existed, everyone needs help and no woman is an island.

 

In today’s highly pressured, fast paced and instant society, taking time for self is not an indulgence or luxury but an absolute must.  Time spent on you is never time wasted or time that could have been better spent.  We are all on some level, whether consciously or subconsciously seeking peace.  This time will help you achieve it.  Schedule ‘me-time’ as part of your daily and monthly routine.  Choose activities that relax you, inspire you, nurture you, affirm you and which blow away the cobwebs.  Here are some favourites, add your own:-

 

•

Enjoy laughter (a cheerful heart is like good medicine)

•

Have a Girls Night In/Out

•

Book a massage

•

Run a perfumed bubble bath, use your best body oils and pamper your skin

•

Play music that makes you feel good

•

Dance like no-one is watching

•

Run or walk daily

•

Enjoy good sex with the one you love

•

Admire the beauty of a magnificent sunset

•

Keep a journal

•

Celebrate your achievements, don’t wait for someone else to validate you

•

Get a makeover

•

Smile deeply

•

Pray and give thanks

•

Have some Belgian chocolate (sometimes it’s nice to be naughty!)

 

Well, it goes without saying that with our physical and emotional health being on the up and up, it is a no-brainer to recognize that you are going to be feeling pretty good about your fine self!  So your body image will as a matter of course be positive.

 

You will appreciate your body and what it can do and how good it can look.  Your beauty will start from within, from your core and your state of mind.  Forget about what the media says about how you should look and ignore the unrealistic and impossible to achieve images the magazines present.  Many of the models which grace their covers are not healthy and mayhave developed eating disorders in order to stay competitive inthe industry.   Moreover, in many cases the pictures have been airbrushed to death and even the models do not look quite that good!

 

Your positive body image comes from knowing how fantastic you really are and knowing you are doing all in your power to look and stay healthy.

 

So walk with your shoulders back, your head up and sport a beautiful smile, which is the prettiest thing you can wear!

 

Have a strong, purposeful and confident stride as you step out onto the Catwalk of Your Life

 

Patricia Benjamin

Life Coach

Love and Relationship Coach

Sound Women 200 List

Top 100 Most Influential Black People 

In Digita/Social Media

Christian Women in Media International Network Leader

BEFFTA Best Radio Personality

Twitter: Ask_ Patricia

iTunes: Real Love Show

Are You Tired of Pretending?

If you read all the books on dating and attraction you would be forgiven for thinking all it took to get someone interested is flipping a switch - like magic, instant attraction.

Some say all you need to do is obey "the rules", or "think like a man" or learn "the code".

But one problem, Are you being the Real You? If you have to come up with this new construct of yourself are you being fair to your prospect, never mind yourself?

Will these artificial tactics give you what you really want? Someone who loves you for who you are? Someone who will appreciate the uniqueness of you? Flaws, imperfections and all!

Maybe it's time to concentrate on finding out what you like. What you enjoy. What your passions are. And pursue this to the maximum. It's very possible that during that process and along that journey you will meet the person who is exactly right for you.

The great thing is that you will be living your truth, living your purpose and loving your life. Very powerful attraction factors.

It's time to be real if you're looking for a love that's real too.

Join me every Monday on award winning Ruach Radio for The Real Love Show (www.ruachradio.com - on Tunein App)

between 4-6pmUK/10-12pmCST/8-10amPST

the SHOW is about all things love and relationships.

Speaking with amazing guests, such as; Dr Gary Chapman, author of New York Times Best Seller 5 Love Languages,  Oprah Winfrey's Ambassador of Hope Marala Scott, Professional Matchmaker "Real Life Hitch" Paul Carrick Brunson, gospel superstar Fred Hammond, and so much more....

The Real Love Show, the best in relationship radio.


Patricia Benjamin
Life Coach
Love & Relationship Coach
Radio Talk Show Host
BEFFTA Best Radio Personality award
Sound Women 200
Top 100 Most Influential Black People in Digital/Social Media
Christian Women in Media Network Leader
Facebook: Ask Patricia
Twitter: Ask_Patricia
iTunes: Real Love Show

You Are Loved - Don't Let Shame Hold You Captive

I spoke to my guest, Caroline, on the Real Love Show. She shared her story of enduring years of violent domestic abuse.  She went through a virtual hell, a nightmare!

Beaten, battered, broken and bruised; having to go and live at several Women's Refuges, once even while pregnant. 

Enduring the physical pain was one thing. But the emotional and mental pain was another level. Even worse the fact that she told no one. No family. No friends. No colleagues. 

She tells me she learned to sit in the dark in complete silence. Quietly. Still. Not moving. Not making a sound. Hoping desperately that whoever was knocking at her door would eventually go away believing she was out. For she couldn't possibly let them see her like this. Swollen eyes. Scarred. Puffed cheeks. No make up could hide these fresh wounds.  

Finally she tells someone. Finally her family learn the truth. Once she has overcome her sense of shame, she gradually realizes that her family love her. That they aren't going to judge her. That they will gather her into their arms and gather her back to life and love. 

Isn't it awful that not only does the situation imprison but the mindset that it produces imprisons so securely!

She was always loved. But she could not reach out and avail herself of that love. 

I want to use this blog post to say to anyone who feels imprisoned, overcome or bound by similar circumstances that you are loved. You are worthy. You are somebody. You are better than this. No one has the right to hold you down. 

Pick up the phone and call a trusted friend. Call a family member you instinctively know will understand. Go online and seek out organisations such as Women's Aid, etc. 

Contact me at AskPatricia@me.com. 

You will be believed. You will receive support. You are not alone. 

Patricia Benjamin

Life Coach

Love & Relalationship Coach

Facebook : Ask Patricia

Twitter: Ask_ Patricia

ITunes: Real Love Show