Refocusing after setbacks, 2

What is your inner belief system?  What does it stand for?

This is crucial to understand when you've experienced a setback or a disappointment.

The benefits of a strong inner belief system are many;

* Stronger self-confidence
* Healthy self-esteem
* Greater life satisfaction
* Comfort with self and others

But how exactly does one go about developing a strong inner belief system?

Consider the following questions.

Finding answers to these can help you distinguish yourself in the group.

1. ​Explore what you currently believe about work, life, people, and yourself.
You can try a free-writing exercise. Write each word (work, life, etc.) at the top of a page (one for each page) and then a free associate for each word. Write down whatever thoughts might be conjured up by the word at the top of the page.
Write until each page is full.

2. ​How much of what you believe is your own?

Take a look at what you wrote on each page.

Identify messages that may have come from parents, friends, family, peers, teachers, etc. You can see that some thoughts appear under almost every section. Identify the recurring themes.

Now, highlight the things that truly reflect who you are and what you believe.

3. ​How much of it is enabling and how much disabling?

The messages of others can be encouraging or discouraging.
Now, look at the messages and thoughts that reflect your own inner belief system. How do they make you feel, empowering or limited?

4. ​What do you want to believe?

Consider your true beliefs, the thoughts and messages you firmly believe in.

Do they reflect how you want to feel about life, work, people, and yourself?

Take a blank paper and write down each idea or thought that are considered right by others on the left hand. On the right hand side write down your alternative; how you would like to feel/think about each.

Reprogram yourself by identifying these limiting thoughts as they pop into your head, and replacing them with the thoughts and ideas you identified on the right hand side of the paper.

Continue this exercise, and you will find the old limiting thoughts creeping up less and less and the new empowering thoughts substituting them.

5. ​What messages about life, people, work, and yourself did you get from family as you shaped your personality?

Family, your primary social unit, can influence you more than most other institutions.

Family members have the tendency to repeat their messages. If you have chosen to reprogram any of their thoughts, values or beliefs, then be prepared to counter these beliefs whenever a family member articulates them.

6. ​What's your response when you express your belief and someone disagrees?

There can be many who do not agree with your beliefs and ideas. Consider how you might respond, should you share your beliefs with others and find that they disagree.
You don’t have to change your mind.
There is nothing wrong in someone else believing differently from your beliefs. People are different and that's what makes the world go round after all.

Simply convey that you see life/work/people/etc. differently, and then reconfirm your belief by repeating it to yourself.

As you explore your answers to these questions and the exercises associated with each, you'll begin to realize the strength of your inner belief system.

Expression of an idea is a difficult job. You need a great amount of confidence to express your beliefs in an unwavering fashion. People will challenge you and come forward with counterarguments.

Consider it as an opportunity to test your ability to continue with your belief system intact as part of your own personal growth.

See you back here next time.

Patricia Benjamin
Life Coach
Love & Relationship Coach
Facebook: Ask Patricia
Twitter: Ask_Patricia
iTunes: Real Love Show

Getting Back on Track after a Setback

Are you still clear as to your life and where you're going?

At this time you may just need to sharpen your focus expecially if you've had a setback or two . We all have them and it's important to have the right attitude in such times. Remember, your attitude will determine your altitude.  Let's gets to it!

Edmund Hillary was three times unsuccessful while trying to climb Mount Everest before his historical achievement in 1953.

People praised his triumph and said, "You've conquered the mountain," and Sir Hillary said, "No, I've conquered myself."

The bitter experiences of early three attempts did not hold back Hillary from a fourth one. With strong will and relentless enthusiasm, he pursued his goal and achieved it.

How many times have you started a diet, stopped smoking, or tried something new and went back to where you were when a setback or obstacle occurred. People often stumble over obstacles and even consider them as excuses for their failures.

Setbacks and difficulties are inevitable in life. They often challenge your skills and temperament.

There are two ways to face difficulties.

1. You can either change the difficulty or change yourself to be able to deal with it.

2. You can deal with difficulties properly and make use of the experience to enhance your confidence or you can deal with them incorrectly and let them seriously damage your confidence.

If you can see and face challenges in a positive way, you will gain immense experience and knowledge from it. Remember, a smooth sea never made a skilful mariner.

Your response to issues and difficulties:

Failure should never be considered as a source of discouragement, but a motivation. You know how 

Helen Keller, a mute and blind woman, went on to become a world-famous speaker and author. Your ability to deal with challenges can be converted into a virtue by asking positive empowering questions yourself.

There is an unwritten rule that says:

Ask your mind a stupid question and you will get a stupid answer.

So, if, after a setback, you ask yourself something like

"Why does this always happen to me, I never have any luck?"

Your mind will probably come out with:

"Because you are useless and good things do not happen to you!"

Instead, if you ask yourself a positive empowering question like:

"What did I learn from this setback for next time?"

Your mind will switch into solution mode and come out with some excellent tips.

Following are some points to ponder about when setbacks do occur:

* Be brave enough to acknowledge what has happened. Don't hide away from it. These things happen. So what?

* Ask yourself as many positive empowering questions as you can.

For example:

What is good about this situation?

How can I make the most of this situation?

What can I learn from it?

What are the facts about this problem?

How can we make it a success next time?

* Acknowledge the fact that setbacks occur to everyone and you are not being singled out.

* View setbacks as a challenge to overcome rather than an issue or problem.

Patricia Benjamin
Life Coach
Love & Relationship Coach
BEFFTA Best Radio Personality
Sound Women 200 List
Christian Women in Media International Leader
Top 100 Most Influential Black People in Digital / Social Media

The Best Lover of All

I've been going to church since I can remember. Starting with Sunday School around age 5 at the lovely Baptist Church at the end of the road. Then later joining the Girls Brigade who I used to admire on Band Sundays when they sat at the front of the church in their  very smart uniforms.

I loved Sunday School and everything it entailed including yearly Scripture Exams where we sat in silence and took a written  test; to going away camping; to fun Christmas parties etc

From then having gone to a few different churches myself I've always taken my personal faith in God very seriously.

I knew He was real.  He listened to my prayers.  He often spoke back to me in a myriad of ways and I always felt my walk with him was alive and vibrant.

However.

A few short years ago He became more than someone I  prayed to but more like someone who was right there. There with me. Wherever I was he seemed to be alongside. Not just during my prayers times or in church but other times. When I sat in the park.  When I pondered my next career step. When I was out grocery shopping. When I decided which film I'd see at the cinema. And in a very real way. There were times I felt him so real and personal that when the sun would fall gently on my cheek it felt like his soft caress.

There were times I just wanted to be alone so I could indulge and luxuriate  in his presence. Feel his love and care for me.  There was the  knowing that he had things to tell me. Knowing that he wanted me to know he had great faith in me. Imagine God having faith in me! It meant he believed in me. That he was saying 'Go on Patricia, you know you can do it, you've got it in you; go for it, go on don't be afraid.'

Well it's pretty hard to look down on yourself or doubt yourself if God tells you to give it a go!  In fact, it would be rude not to. .......

Myles Munroe  RIP said being humble is not walking with your head bowed low but walking in your fullness that you were created in. That was humility. To simply be who you were. No apology needed.

I remember one day saying to myself "How come nobody has ever told me it could be like this?"

I somehow got a glimpse into what King Solomon was talking about in Songs of Solomon. I knew what he meant when he made the allegory between the deep intense love affair between a man and a woman and the intensity of love the creator wants with his creation.

He doesn't want to be seen just as a Law Giver, a Judge, a figure of authority but someone who deeply desires  a real relationship with those who say they love him.

It was especially lovely during February - the month of Love and Romance - to talk with my guest Jemma Regis about her book 'God's Romantic Getaway'.

Gemma's book is a pure delight to read and she tells me how she came to write it in our conversation so listen in.

Speaking with Jemma here - just click

You may be reading this and be of no particular faith persuasion and that's fine. It doesn't take away from the authenticity of my experience.

I'm impressed to share the impact of knowing I can connect in a real way to the one who created this magnificent world we inhabit and know he hears.

One thing I note is that many individuals who are making powerful inroads and having immense influence as well as giving positive contribution to the world around them, all acknowledge an existence of One that is greater than themselves.

It's as though to  find your own greatness you must acknowledge it's source.

Take a listen to Jemma sharing her experience of God's Romantic Getaway - maybe you can have one too!

The Best Lover of All - God's Romantic Getaway with Jemma Regis

Patricia Benjamin
Life Coach
Love & Relationship Coach
BEFFTA Best Radio Personality
Sound Women 200 List
Christian Women in Media International Leader
Top 100 Most Influential Black People in Digital / Social Media

Succeeding Against the Odds

I had a wonderful evening at the recent Screen Nation Awards 2015! It was an evening filled with glitz and glamour, live music and upbeat and  lively men and women.

We had all come together to laud and celebrate artists operating at the highest level of their craft and to acknowledge their consistent dedication in their chosen speciality.

I am one who believes in awards. It is a positive thing to be recognised by your peers and be celebrated. It's much better to be celebrated than it is to be tolerated.

It was lovely to hear from some of the winners the motivation that drives them even when it seems all uphill, even when they have faced so many no's in the industry. Yet they stayed with their passion, they stuck with Plan A as plan b wasn't an option.

Screen Nation celebrates artists of colour as in the mainstream they are mostly overlooked. So this Award body helps to set that right.  In very much the same way the NAACP Image Awards does in the USA.

Idris Elba gives his speech

Mr Idris Elba was there live in person to collect his award and during his speech made the request that everyone should  give support to events such as these.

Indeed without support we can get nowhere.   Everyone and anyone who is making great strides is doing so because they are getting support to get the work done. Vision alone is never enough. As well as vision and planning etc every dream needs a team.

Well done to the founder of these excellent awards, Charles Thompson MBE, who has been hosting it for 10 years  and also to his outstanding team.

Whatever you're setting out to do, don't be a one man band  but take time to assemble your team.

Your team should believe in you and your vision.  Without this its not a team. The team may change faces from time to time but essentially the characteristics and qualities will be the same.

I have to say that there was a lot of positivity in that room filled with amazing people. The positivity was inspiring and uplifting and made you feel you could succeed also.

And of course, if you put in the work, build your team and run with the vision,  you can!

Patricia Benjamin
Life Coach
BEFFTA Best Radio Personality
Sound Women 200 List
Christian Women in Media International
Top 100 Most Influential Black People in Digital / Social Media
www.ruachradio.com

Week 4 - Count Down to Love

Hi guys, its our final week and thank you all for taking this Love Challenge.

Loads of you have reached out to me and talked about your experience so far. And a big thank you to so many of you that have shared the Challenge with your friends. 

 

I warn you now that this final week may be the most demanding yet but will yield the most harvest from all your efforts so far!

Let's get to it.

Day. 22 - What is your desire for your life? What are you actually demanding from life?  In fact are you not demanding anything at all and just 'going with the flow'?

Have you ever asked yourself these questions? If you know what you really want  in your life it's easier to know what kind of relationship you want. I mean, if you don't yet know what you want from life can you be clear on what you need from a relationship?  Marriage itself  is not an end goal.  It's merely the opening of a new chapter in the book of Your Life. Someone who doesn't yet understand themselves or who isn't focused on where they are going in life is not going to attract someone else who is!

Today, before you leave the house, sit down and ask yourself:- Who Am I emotionally,  spiritually, mentally, professionally?

What are my core values? What are my deepest desires for my life?  What am I prepared to do to get those desires? What are my innate qualities and abilities that I can use to achieve them? 

Write down your answers to these questions - it will help you see clearly who you are, what you want and what you do not want.  Now you will be able to quickly identify people that you meet who are in line with these values and hold similar ambition in life. It's much better to choose a partner whose life values and ambitions are the same or complementary to yours.

Opposites may attract but they don't make for long term commitment or life together.

Day 23 - It's important to bear in mind that you are not here to fix anybody. Don't invest time, energy and emotion in trying to get someone to change. They are who they are fundamentally. If you feel the need to get them to change they are not the one for you. Your friends should be people who inspire you and lift you higher, so how much more your life partner!  Accept him for who he is. Once he has shown you who he is, believe it and accept it. If you're unhappy with the reality then this is not the one for you. 

Don't get into a relationship with someone who is unsuitable and then spend all your time complaining and being miserable. It's so important not only to love and accept yourself but also to know you must accept others for who they are. 

Day 24. Time to look beyond aesthetics. As we get older and wiser we learn to base our romantic interests on things other than outward appearance. We realise the perfect man doesn't have to look like Brad Pitt or Idris Elba! It might be nice but it is not a necessity. Your life is not a Hollywood movie. Consider dating men outside any previous strict parameters. Outside your race. Someone under 6ft. Someone with different yet exciting interests. Take off the limits. 

Day 25. Today you need to set aside 20/30 minutes for this exercise. Please look back over the last five years only and write down everything you have done, completed or achieved that you are proud of. It should be things personal and professional, a new skill, a new ability. Then look back over them and acknowledge and celebrate your achievements. As adults we rarely pat ourselves on the back or tell ourselves "nice job"! Celebrate by calling a few friends and go out someplace special. Because you are special.

Even more fun, why not give a party?  Invite friends, new and old and anyone you'd like to have as more than a friend, get some feel-good music, and dance the night away. Everybody loves a good time. Get planning now!

Day 26: Think about using all dating and matchmaking resources available. Perhaps use a professional matchmaker. Do not count out such options as online dating.  Let your family and good friends know you are interesting in meeting someone, social networking sites, singles holidays, join up for a class in something you're genuinely interested in. Be open to new suggestions, activities, events, places. Break out of your usual social routines and expand your social horizons. 

Day 27: An interesting exercise today. Please select three people. One personal friend. One professional colleague. One associate, maybe someone from your church, a class, a friend of a friend. Once you have selected them please ask them the following: 

a) what do you feel are my 3 strongest strengths?

 b) what 3 things do you like most about me? 

c) if something terrible happened  or you had received bad news, and you called me, what would you expect to get from me  and why?

Give them 24 hrs  to get back to you. And then read through what they say. Anything there really surprise you? Did you learn anything about yourself or did it throw a light on anything for you. 

Day 28. Sit down and review the list you made of your achievements, then look at the answers you received from the 3 individuals you chose! Then close your eyes and see yourself the way these people have seen you. Embrace and acknowledge all your achievements to date. Feel good being who you are. Feel good that you are making a difference to other people. Then in your mind's eye see yourself standing tall, worthy, confident, charismatic, passionate about life and people. At ease with yourself and with others. Wow, how confident, attractive and compelling are you! Walk in your truth. 

Bonus Day: Share the love - every person you come into contact with today, make it a good encounter for them. When you smile, make it a smile from the heart, learn to smize, (smile with your eyes) communicating that passion and joy you have about life.

When you compliment someone do it freely, don't expect one back, just give it because they deserve it and you are happy to affirm them. When you engage with the opposite sex, do it authentically, don't be half-hearted, make an impact, hold their gaze, don't be afraid to ask a follow-up question. Treat them as someone of value. Not because they are rich or handsome but because they are who they are. Everyone responds to respect, and thoughtfulness.

******************************************

I have loved sharing this Love Count Down with you.

Love starts with love of self. This Challenge has given you a chance to look at who you think you are, who you want to be, who people think you are, and allowed you to put your past behind you so it doesn't hold your future hostage. 

It has awakened hope, given life-skills strategies, encouraged you to open your mind, your networks, your interests; become more proactive about getting what you want. All in all you are now much more magnetic to people, more intriguing to engage with, more confident in your pursuit of what life and love have to offer.

Feel free to go over this again, you'll get better at it each time. Make it part of routine, not just for February. You can review the lessons you've learned and keep practicing your new social skills until you are the expert whatever social circles you find yourself in.

I would love to hear from you, so drop me a few lines at AskPatricia@me.com and share your thoughts. 

Also, if you think you would benefit from a more individual approach  you can book me for personal coaching wherever you are in the world, have Skype, will travel (RealLove Show - Skype address) - Personal Coaching allows for a customised plan just for you that covers your life and relationships. It may be just what you need to make sure 2015 brings you what you truly want.

 

Simply email me at AskPatricia@me.com to get started!

Also, look out for the book this Challenge is based on coming this Soon. Countdown to Love,  its a super guide to Preparing for, Getting Ready for, and Finding Love.

Thank you for taking the RealLove Challenge! 

Find my weekly podcasts at iTunes - The Real Love Show

Here's a show you may enjoy listening to - this one features Best Selling Author Aaron Lamont on 'This is Why You're Single'.

And there are plenty more at ITunes under Real Love Show 

Patricia Benjamin

Life Coach
Love & Relationship Coach
Radio Talk Show Host
Email: AskPatricia@me.com
Facebook: Ask Patricia
Twitter: @Ask_Patricia
iTunes: Real Love Show

Week 3 - Count Down to Love

Hope you enjoyed a great Valentines Weekend however you decided to spend it.

So, you're finding the Count Down challenging and loving it at the same time. Nice work so far  - let's get into  the third week.

This week we are going to clear out our closets, stop the nonsense, stop the game playing, stop the self-sabotage and really begin the pursuit of happiness in earnest. There are those who are prepared to put in the same effort when they are seeking love and happiness as when they are seeking employment.  No doubt one of the reasons you are reading this post is because you are too.

Each day we look at how we might be getting in our own way when it comes to love!

Day 15: Don't fry your new love interest or any potential future love interest in the fat of your ex. No matter how awful that past relationship was, this is not the same person. Are you carrying bitterness and pain from your past? If so, work through these issues. You are not ready to start again. Your heart needs to be free from those painful memories and healed from those hurts. You also need to learn the learnings from those relationships.  Have you considered the power of forgiveness? Forgiving not because they deserve it but because you deserve to be happy. You can't be happy if you are still rehearsing, reliving, rehashing every terrible thing your ex did to you. Let go of the anger, don't keep on imagining ways you can get your own back. How can you move forward if you are constantly looking through your rear mirror? Your focus is in reverse! Leave the past exactly where it is, right there, behind you.  If you don't, you'll just have a bitter spirit, a sharp tongue and an ugly attitude.  And we know ugly goes to the bone!  Not attractive. Let it go! Consider working with a relationship coach for a month or so. If you are a person of faith, take it up in prayer and release your sorrow there. Ask your minister to help you. Whatever else  you do, this is an absolute non-negotiable to moving forward and finding real love.

Day 16 . Stop with the game playing! No one has time for  games and all these rules. We are all adults now!  Everybody's grown. Who can be bothered to play your "hard to get" game?  Who can be bothered to jump through all your hoops? Life is too short. If a guy is interested in you and you like him then stop throwing up road blocks. Stop giving him tests. You are not a prize. Just be real. Just be yourself.

Isn't it time to be honest about who you are, what your values are and live in line with that?  If someone doesn't fit then they just don't fit.

Day 17. Stop with the praying. Meaning Stop with the over-spiritualising. Please -  Just Stop! You have to pray AND. Although the good book says Ask, and it will be given.  It also says seek and you'll find. Knock and it will be opened. These all mean you are proactive. Don't ask and wait. Ask, seek, knock, make an effort.  Sitting at home watching reality tv, drinking red wine each night is not going to bring Mr Right to your door. Neither will constantly telling yourself and your  girlfriends that there are just no good men out there. God helps those who help themselves. If you desire a job, once you've prayed would  you not make sure you have the right qualifications, brush up your skills, put out your CV, expand your networks, attend relevant industry seminars/conferences and go on interviews?  A husband will not just turn up out of the blue because you have prayed. Give God something to work with. There ARE suitable marriage partners out there. Create opportunities to meet someone suitable.  Go out and change up your routine. Look lively!  Going to the same old church meetings and seeing the same old folk week in, week out, year after year is not enough!  It hasn't been enough up to now, after so many years, so do something different. Outside the church walls.  Go out, develop new interests, pursue a new hobby, think outside the box, Pray and DO SOMETHING! Do something today.

18. Listen to your intuition. It will never steer you wrong. NEVER.  Sometimes we cannot find Real love because are entangled in relationships that aren't good for us. If something feels off, don't wait for your mind to figure out what's wrong, get out of that relationship.

19. Dating someone who isn't available. This is always a complete waste of time and emotional investment. If this man is married, in another relationship and merely using you for his own ego, or sexual predilections or penchants, you've got to know this is going nowhere. Find the courage and strength to up and leave. It may seem exciting especially with its forbidden nature but as you get older and not so desirable he may seek to replace you as your currency is losing value, and as you begin to tire of always fitting in with his agenda, it's always a dead end. Time to knock this one on its head. You are better than that!

Day 20. Break your cycle. Stop dating the same person but with a different face and name. Do you have a certain type? As in, the wrong type! If you have just the worst taste in the opposite sex, sit down and break it down. Are you still always going for the "bad guy"? Are you still thinking you can fix him, you can change him? What do you need to change about yourself is the question. Work this out and you're on your way!

A great exercise is to ask yourself 3 questions. (1) What do you want? Then (2) What is stopping you? Then (3) What do you want instead? Then repeat the process and keep going till you reach your truth no matter how uncomfortable it feels.  This will take you to the root.  Be honest and truthful to yourself. This is a good exercise to do with a friend who asks you the questions. You can then do the same process with them.

Day 21. Too shy! That's a label you can take off right now.  Being shy is something you can unlearn. And it's pretty easy too!  You can develop social skills. It's simply a matter of taking interest in other people. You can begin by being curious. Curious about life, about people and situations. You can ask questions. Being shy can mean worrying about what people are thinking or saying about you. To be honest, most people are more concerned with what you are thinking or saying about them. It really isn't all about you. A great tip is to do something that many actors have learnt to do. Pretend to be someone else. When you are in a challenging social situation,  think about someone you know who is very socially confident and imagine what they would do. And simply do the same thing. So if you have a friend who is very confident think how they would behave and adopt the same behaviour. You'll be surprised how much fun and how easy this is. After a while, you won't need to pretend anymore, it will be all you.

Okay, so time to go!

Next week, we are getting busy in our love pursuit. Get ready to turn up the volume on week one and take things to a whole new level.

I'm loving all the emails you're sending me about how you are finding this, keep them coming!

Week 4 coming this time next week!

Enjoy the Real Love Challenge!

Patricia Benjamin
Life Coach
Love & Relationship Coach
Radio Talk Show Host
Email: AskPatricia@me.com
Facebook: Ask Patricia
Twitter: @Ask_Patricia
iTunes: Real Love Show

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